Compulsivness
Sunday, May. 26, 2002 15:46

I don't want to say this and sound offensive, but I want to say it and explain that I am not in the business of offending anyone, but I have about 2 hours (I'm guessing) of alone time, and it makes me happy. Well, perhaps not happy, but it feels good. Lala and Jeff went to Cambridgeside. I declined because it's not the kind of adventure that is good for my mental health. It is likely that if I had chosen to go, I would have become cranky and ruined the trip for my pals. Two hours is just what I need. I don't want to be alone for the rest of the day (although I could handle it if I needed to) but it's definitely good to have a little time.

So, I went to bed at 7:30 this morning and got up at about 2 this afternoon. What kind of day is that? And the thing is that I can't let it go. I feel really bad. But who the heck am I hurting? And why does it matter if I'm hurting myself my messing up my sleeping habits? I have all this regret. I always feel this trepidation whenever it appears that I'm going to be doing something like this (staying up too late) and I wonder why I can't just relax and let it happen, and have fun. So I sleep most of the day? Big deal, you know? It's a weekend, and a long weekend at that. It doesn't really matter.

But it's like I was telling Lala on our walk to Blockbuster at 5 this morning, I have to be in control. I can't let people see me lose it. I can't stand it. I get very very ashamed and regretful whenever I do something out of character, anything over-emotional, anything I can't rationalize, anything I knew I shouldn't have done from the very beginning. I can't relax. I can't be weak. I can't let them see me cry or err or do something out of character. I don't understand it.

And this very characteristic is making me feel bad. It's making me feel like I think I'm perfect. I don't think I'm perfect, so why do I think I have to be perfect all the time?

I miss Linda. I've been quoting Incubus in her general direction, without letting her know that that's what I am doing. The song as a whole doesn't fit my feelings for her, or our relationship at all, but that line does.

I'm not really wanting to go home though because things aren't the same. I miss the relationships I used to have with my friends. The only friend that I feel like I have as good a relationship with as I used to is Tiff. I treasure her very much. With Linda and Katie and Aaron especially things are just different. I'm different. Things have changed, and that's unavoidable. I need to find my footing again with them, redefine what it is that makes us love each other, and what makes being friends a wholly good experience for all of us. With Serena, I think our relationship is actually improving. I'm getting to know her a lot better now I think, and it feels good. I heart Serena!

This summer seems like too much work. It's adjusting and readjusting and then spending 40 hours a week working my ass off for the devils of retail. Soo hard.

I had the coolest conversation yesterday though. I IMed Noah and it wasn't really him. It was his friend samantha. Yup, the famous Samantha whom I have hated for a couple years now. I never really hated her though. I just did. You know? But she talked to me about Noah and his feelings especially concerning me. She told me that she had read his diary, and that what he's told me is real. She said he wasn't in the room either. And I hope that she was telling the truth. But as expected, I am very careful in trusting anything that comes from his end. I hope she was telling the truth. I hope she really did give him my number and that he will call me.

I hope, I hope, I hope.

There are only 9 more days until I go back home. I'm looking forward to it, I guess, in some ways. I'm not anxious for school to end. I like school (<--BIG dork). But I'm anxious for the change. I don't like waiting for it to happen. I just wanna get it over with. And it will be nice to be living in my sleepy little town again. Is Lisbon a sleepy little town? Hmm...

"You do something to me that I can't explain. So would I be out of line if I said I miss you?"

Yes, the song just happened to come on :-)

I feel so bad. In the past couple days I've seen so much crying :*( This is a terrible weekend for my friends. I wish I could make it all better. I wish I wish I wish.

I feel bad.