Summah
Wednesday, May. 29, 2002 12:36

I keep getting these really weird, incredibly vague feelings of nausea today. It isn't too fun.

I'm thinking about the summer again, as I have to. And I think that one of the reasons that I am not ready for it to begin is that I haven't developed the emotional strength to deal with a few things that I have no choice about. I am not ready to deal with this stuff, at all. ANd I'm certainly not ready to work 40 hours a week. I need to get over these things, since summer begins next Tuesday. But, alas, it isn't so simple.

And now I am sort of at the point where I want to move out now, just to get it all over with. The first step is today. I have to begin the process of defrosting and cleaning out my microfridge. It's quite a pain in the ass, actually, but oh well. I'm good. It is all okay. I've got a little deal with Lala right now. She's using my computer, I'm going to be using her fridge. Sounds good. I've got HW to do today though, so I"ll need to have my computer for that. Although I may just do it in her room. Why not?

It's so hard to change my mindset, but I'm certainly trying, let me tell you. I need to learn to approach situations better, and not expect more than can be possible. I need to do this for my own mental health. Hurt hurts. Hurting isn't fun.

My mom emailed me today and explained something stupid my father did, and it made me genuinely angry and irritated. Why is it that I can cut everyone slack but him? Why does he make me so angry? He's taking me to Canada this summer! He was supposed to take me to a red sox game, and wasn't even upset that I couldn't go! He tries to talk to me, to ask me questions. ANd it's not his fault that we don't know anything about each other, or enjoy even remotely the same things for the most part. Why am I so defensive? I don't understand. I don't get it.

I was reading this thing that one of the RAs in my building wrote. It was advice for the summer and one of the big things was to sit down and talk to your parents. I need to do that. The paper I read was more in the context of setting ground rules, but there are so many things I need to talk to them about. I was rehearsing in the shower the other day. But I"m so scared. I shouldn't be. My parents aren't scary. But......

I want this summer to be good. But I don't think it is going to be. However, for now I am trying to focus on a few things: LHS graduation, The OCEAN, Alanis, Etheridge, The street at night, Bethel, Maggie and Floyd, money.

So I guess even if the whole things sucks overall, I will most likely come out with a few memories that make it worthwhile.

I have to pee, and work study is almost over.

Why are you reading this???? (that's directed to a specific person. If it's you, and you guess that it is, I'll give you a virtual cookie before asking once again...why the fuck are you reading this?)

eee! It's a radio ad for Rent! Boston, June 25-30 at the Wang Theater. I wanna goooooo! :-( No fucking money. Bah!