A bit of fucked-up past
Wednesday, May. 29, 2002 20:48

ack, gotta pee!

Okay, so I came up with something in the bathroom, and here's where it came from:

Thought: I want the vanilla sky soundtrack

Thought: I wish I could get someone to buy it for me

Thought: Hmm, could I get someone to buy it for me? Any special occasions coming up?

Thought: It's almost graduation time

Thought: I deserve a present for making it through this year, fuck graduation!

Final thought: This year has been harder, and more to get through than my entire 4 years of high school.

Yup. So true. And I think I've come out okay. Better than okay. And it was so hard. I don't know. It was just so sad, so lonely, and took so much of my energy, my courage. And I'd like to think that I've changed for the better because of it. So, yes, I do deserve the Vanilla Sky soundtrack. Unfortunately this is more of a personal victory and therefore I'm going to have to treat myself.

I remembered some stories last night talking to Lala that I had forgotten ever existed. I remembered things I used to do when I was younger, namely, making out with my female friends. When I was in second grade, my best friend (which essentially changed every few months) at one point was Holly. I remember going over to Holly's house pretty often. She lived on Pike St. right near Andy. We used to play this role-playing game. She was a beautiful teenage girl and I was her bf. We would go to parties together, we would spend time hanging out in her room, we had our own apartment too. And we would make out, a lot. That was the basic idea. It was me and Holly playing these characters that I don't even think had names, characters that made out all the time. Mmm. I don't think either of us ever told ANYONE that we did this. Too embarrassing and ridiculous. And it was second grade then. And now I'm not sure how I feel about that. I'd probably not feel anything except there were 3 other girls that I made out with on the pretense of either role-playing or practicing. Is pretense the right word? I think we really were just playing. I can't say who the other three girls were, for their protection. I wouldn't feel right about it. But I'll elaborate a little more about each situation.

As with Holly, it wasn't my idea with the second girl. I wasn't even interested at first. But with girl #2 it became different. This was 5th grade, so we were older. I remember enjoying it. I also remember that every time we would practice this way, I felt like I had to pee, but no matter how many times I went to the bathroom, I still felt it. hmmm, now that would have to be my first memory of being turned on :-P (It's fun to remember these things that I had forgotten existed in my head still). So, I turned to the other of my best friends at the time, and asked her to also practice with me. She took some convincing. She definitely wasn't into it at all. But we did make out, and it didn't last long.

The other girl, the one I've not mentioned was a different situation. I can't remember what age we were, but we were really young, maybe 2nd grade also. It might have been parallel to the stuff with Holly. But I remember holding her down and kissing her. Eek!

Lauren hasn't stopped making fun of me since I told her all of this.

And you know? I really mean it when I say that I had completely forgotten about this stuff until last night. I swear.

None of those were first kisses. Not by any stretch of the imagination. There was nothing special, sensitive, personal, romantic about them. It was little girls trying to learn about all those things they see on the movies. Little girls whose only friends were girls, so that's what they had to work with. I'm including that to make it absolutely clear that I never lied. When anyone asked me up until my first kiss (10th grade) if I'd been kissed, I wasn't lying when I said no. Because that wasn't my definition of being kissed.

How odd, huh? I'm not looking for reinforcement. I'm not haunted by these memories. I don't need to be told that all little girls did that. Actually-- that leads me to something. I remember in 5th grade feeling like a weirdo, like there was something wrong with me. But then I read something in Seventeen that assured me that I was normal, that all girls did that. But I wonder how common it is. So, if you have any stories to share with me, then please do.

Now I'd like to talk with those girls, and see how they feel about it. See if they've ever found themselves in lesbian tendencies. I'm wondering if there's any significance. I'd like to sit and talk with them and compare notes.

I still talk to and am decently good friends with one of them.

I haven't talked to one of them since 2nd or 3rd grade.

I haven't talked to one of the others since 6th grade.

I've seen the last from time to time, and every time, I have to wonder if she remembers who I am, since we've gotten past saying "hello."

So, welcome to yet another part of my fucked-up world!