I think I might just need to sleep this off....
Saturday, Jun. 08, 2002 23:24

Another drop in the bucket of reasons why I fully believe that contentedness is an impossibility.

So I've been home for four whole days now. I've gotten everything accomplished that I would really ever want or need to accomplish, and yet, I'm sitting here, feeling like crap.

I need to get over myself.

I've had a good couple of days with my mom. We spent the whole day together today. It was good. No fighting. She didnt' irritate me once. And I'm seeing really good things for us this summer. But I can't help wanting to scream at the top of my lungs...

"WHY THE FUCK HAVEN'T YOU PEOPLE CALLED ME????"

This is utterly ridiculous for a couple of reasons. The first reason: I haven't really felt like doing anything anyway. If people had wanted to spend time with me, they would probably be bored out of their minds while I sat around on my bed and played my extensive mp3 collection for them. The second reason: Everyone is incredibly busy right now. Not only are they graduating from high school tommorrow, but most of them are also dealing with some emotional trama that I'm too petty and self-concerned to consider in my emotion. The third reason: I haven't made any attempts whatsoever at getting together with anybody. How can I complain that they're not calling me when I'm not calling them either?

Oh I sometimes hate so many things about myself. I take everything sooo sooo personally. I need to watch that. It's crazy. I'm going to drive myself to an early grave worrying about what every single thing other people are doing means in relation to their feelings towards me. I've said it about a trillion times...people are self-absorbed and don't give much of a shit about anyone else about 90% of the time. So why can't I use that information to make myself understand that not everything every person in my life is doing has anything to do with me.

It's hard only being able to see the world through one pair of eyes. Especially when that pair of eyes is 18 years old and doesn't have a clue what it is supposed to be looking for.

I feel really stressed out...trying to figure out what on earth things are going to look like this summer. And I'm already stressed about the fact that I have to work 38 hours next week (and most likely every week after that). That is something that is going to be a huge problem. I need to calm the fuck down. It's just work. Work=money. Money is necessary. Therefore work is necessary. Then we look at the number of hours in a week: 168. Take out 38. That leave 130 hours. say I sleep 9 hours a night. That leaves 67 free hours. I think that's going to be plenty. And work is nothing. It's not important. What happens there doesn't affect the rest of my life...it's just time spent earning money so that the rest of my time (and the rest of my year) can be better. That's all.

BREATHE.

Well. I'm tired. I thought about waiting around for people to come online for a while, but that's silly. If I feel like going to bed, I should go to bed.

Why is my life so entirely based on other people?

I talked about that with my mom last night too.

I really wish I had someone to talk to. This really sucks right now. Maybe someone will have a free minute for me after tomorrow's events.