Pain, Anger, Weakness, Frustration
Tuesday, Jun. 18, 2002 12:43

I'm in pain, and I don't know why.

I just can't seem to do for myself what I need. I can have night after night of emotion and love and inspiration, yet at some point, I still find myself in the same place, sitting on my bed in pain. My heart really actually hurts right now.

I feel anxious.

I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish I wish for about a million and half things right now. I wish that I had taken a shower this morning (not like I can't still take one) and that I had been able to get dressed in regular clothes (I'm washing all of mine) and that I had had things to do (not as though I don't have a list of things sitting on my desk that I wanted to accomplish today) and that I'd talked to Maggie when she was briefly online and that people would stop doing the infinite things that they just keep doing (the things that are making me want to throw my computer against the wall and never sign on to the internet ever again) and that I could just stop hurting for no apparent reason.

There are reasons. Don't think I'm just going through PMS or hormones are anything. But I refuse to let myself hurt for those reasons. Talk about repression, ay? Well, fuck it, because I can't let myself hurt because of those things. I would shrivel up and fucking DIE. This isn't the way to get past things. And I know that. But I'd rather lie to the general public and make them think I'm a raving lunatic than admit something like this to them.

My time for confessions will come. In fact, I'm sure it will be here in about a week, in a little cabin up in the woods of Bethel on a shallow little pond where the most natural and beautiful parts of me grew up.

I love "Mystery." Goood song. It makes me feel.

I'm going to see Melissa Etheridge in two days and I'm not even excited! I was excited for a little while yesterday, but right now, I can't muster that much positive energy at all.

Arg! I sound (and feel) like a fucking whiny little child. Stupid temper tantrums. Stupid stupid stupid.

...yeah, I'm not helping things. Being here now is probably not a good thing to be.

I'll just sorta go off with my Indigo Girls and....mope or something.

After making this final point: The reason I flip out so much when I'm upset like this is simple. I see myself as smart and very very capable of a multitude of things. I think I'm smart, mature, and that I can be a hell of a lot, if I am the best I can be. and I HATE that I get like this. I feel like I'm too good for this shit. I don't like to see myself in moments of weakness. It frustrates me and makes me feel a great deal of disgust for myself. It's interesting. I'm hardest on myself. I am constantly telling people that emotions are okay and that you can't control them. I'd never just ANYONE for feeling bad, and I'd never even consider that it was a weakness in their character. So...how the fuck did I get to this place?

On another note (that I was just reminded of), I hope that Aaron calls sometime this summer. I plan to fully launch into hyper-bitch mode.