I can't really explain what is wrong
Sunday, Jun. 23, 2002 20:50

Sometimes I want to disappear just to see who would miss me. And for a semi-long period of time I even wanted to be seriously injured. I wanted to get into a car accident. I wanted to end up in the hospital for a while, battling for my life. I wanted to survive, of course. But I wanted the experience of that. I didn't want to be hurt, of course. But I wanted to see what would happen if I was. I wanted people to come see me, and to talk about me at school (I was still in HS then) and to give me all of their attention for a little while. I've never known what that feels like. This feeling of wanting to disappear is similar to that. If only people would miss me. I want to be missed. I want to be craved.

So I've been taking a little bit of time off. I don't particularly want to be around any of my friends or talk to anyone on the internet, or hang out with anyone, or even sit in the street (as I've been craving to since I got home).

I'm just working and doing some healing. It's probably temporary healing, since I'm well aware that you can't avoid things in order to get over them. But I need that right now in order to maintain a little bit of sanity and peace of mind.

Tomorrow begins my weekend. I have two days off. They are going to be two gloriously healthy days and I can't wait for them.

I don't want anyone to know what I've been doing, or what I plan to be doing. I want them to wonder. I want them to sit there and think "hmm, I haven't seen Emily in a few days. I wonder what she's up to?" I want to them to care what I've been doing. I want them to call my house and I want my parents to have to take a message. I want them to worry that I've become very withdrawn, and that I'm being so general and obviously emotionally disturbed somehow.

I just want some attention.

I want to be in everyone's thoughts like they are in mine. It seems like in the lives of the people that are so infinitely important to me, I am only a minimal force.

So. While I'm on this little vacation of mine, you won't be hearing much about the tangible Emily, unless you are ready to do for me what I so desperately crave.

I'm a pathetic (and sad) creature at times.