The self-indulgence of sleep
Wednesday, Jul. 03, 2002 02:53

I should probably be at least trying to sleep here.

But as I said earlier this evening, sleep is overrated. There are circumstances in which I feel very robbed of sleep, and thusly very angry, but normally....oh well. Some things are worth it. Especially people. I value people a great deal. And I hate it when entities, or events, or objects, or drugs, or actions, or anythings are chosen above people. None of those things have feelings. Some of them may have consequences. And sometimes the consequences are strong enough to make them the more important choice, but generally, people are just thinking of them selves, being selfish, when they choose whatever it is that they choose. They forget that people have feelings and that the alternative does not because they themselves have feelings, feelings which they follow obediently. And isn't that what we're taught to do? To follow our hearts? And to take care of ourselves?

That's not really what I was taught. I was taught to choose my battles. To treat everyone the way they'd want to be treated. To love everyone. To share, and sacrifice when necessary. To not fight, and to avoid confrontation.

But that's because children learn from example, and that's what I've seen.

And now, I'm going to spend a lifetime trying to learn to take care of myself. Everyday I sit here at night, and regret some little thing I did that I shouldn't have done. I sit and think about what I should have said, and what I did wrong. I think about how I should have had more will power and more strength. And maybe as the years go on, those thoughts will begin to decrease in number.

But it never fails that everytime I walk away, I have to question everything inside my head, and scold myself, and fight this battle between selfishness and unhappy regret.

So, I don't think people should give up sleep. But it pisses me off still, because I can't stand that I wouldn't be able to do it. I would never be able to choose sleep over staying with someone that wanted to be with me (or NEEDED to). And I wouldn't want to! I look at that for myself and think:

"No Emily! You could never do that! No! You must always put everyone before you! You don't deserve to cause anybody any inconveniance. It's the least you can do. And how much does it really matter in the long run?"

So, I guess I just want someone to make it all about me, because I can't make anything all about me. But it can't really work that way I suppose. How can I expect anyone to ever make anything about myself when I don't think I deserve it to be. My journals are the only things in my life that are all about me. And that's why I need them so very very much. This reminds me of an Alanis Morissette song, except not really. Okay, never mind.

So, I know I've written about this before (here actually), but I need to write what I'm feeling. So if you've heard it before, then I'm sorry.

...whoa...I just apologized for writing what I was feeling. Aw fuck me!

Bottom Line: I'm still struggling with this fundamental question, Is selfishness bad? My answer is still yes (but only for MYSELF, in my own life), in all situations. But selfishness isn't bad. It's necessary, and unless it is excessive, then it is is incredibly healthy. Who can be expected to live without a degree of selfishness? Self preservation is key.

Please don't think I'm flattering myself, or saying I'm completely selfless here either, alright? I make no statements to that effect, at all.

So this all started with sleep. For me, sleep is overrated. Sleep is selfish.

But you know? Good for you for making yourself a priority. I applaud you. Now, can you please tell me how?