"I want to go to beautiful..."
Friday, Jul. 05, 2002 23:57

I think I sort of when to my own Beautiful today. It was this sort of euphoric place where it didn't matter if customers were assholes, or if my dad was being a baby, or if my teeth hurt, or if my singing was bad. It was just this playful, happy place.

I guess in normal terms, I could say that I was in a good mood today. But for me, it was much more than that. I felt lively and happy. I felt all this love and compassion for people that I absolutely hated the day before. I was feeling all this passion for what is important for me. And passion for people that are important to me! I was feeling sympathetic for people that needed something. I was feeling like having company, even company that I might not even always enjoy. I was feeling like I could cry at the drop of a hat, at something that broke my heart....because there was so much heart to break today! But that if nothing touched me, I could just smile all day long.

I carried on and on today! I talked my mom's ear off, and Ryan's ear off. I just wanted to say everything! I wanted to share myself, and share my world, and share the beauty of everyone else's worlds too.

And I love my mom infinitely much. She listens to me. She rarely interrupts. And she makes me feel like I'm so important and so valuable. She's an amazing and beautiful woman. I treasure her so much. Oh! Tears are threatening!

It's good to be appreciated, and oh so incredibly disappointing not to be! Oh gosh! It's like this really hard punch in the back that steals the air right out of my lungs, my spirit! To pour all of this out...to go to my very own beautiful and try so hard to pull people in with me...to show them what the very essence of my being is...and to have them not care, to respond indifferently, to be sarcastic, to be condescending, to change the subject, to interrupt. Oh man, that hurts so much! If I'm trying to show them something, and they don't care...then what am I to think?

I saw Mrs. Hooper today! That was so good! We talked about Floyd...about how happy she is. I couldn't stop smiling!

A spunky sharp-as-a-tack old (and I mean OLD) woman came in today and I couldn't stop smiling and laughing at her silly little jokes!

A talkative woman came in and thanked me over and over for just doing my job and I couldn't stop thinking about what a nice lady she was, or feeling bad that I couldn't do more to help her out.

"Oh good! My dog found the chainsaw!" ...a line from "Lilo and Stitch" that had me laughing for a good long time :-) soooo cute!

Everything was cute. I feel so happy! I wish that everyone else could come to beautiful with me...here where the breezes are blowing in lightly, marking the end of this precious day where everything kept going, and everyone kept loving, no matter what else was happening.

"Over the mountain, I see the bright sunshine, and I want to live inside the glow"

you know...so what if I can't spend the summer at camp? So what if I have to work in order to support myself for the schoolyear? So what if I'm not getting every ounce of attention all the time?

Please let me stay here as long as possible.