My Mother
Wednesday, Jul. 10, 2002 19:47

I just signed up to be reviewed by two of my favorite diaryland folks. Mmm :-) I feel really good! In case you hadn't noticed by the "mmm" and the smiley face. Yeah. Good, I feel.

Tommorrow is my mum's Bday and I feel like doing a lot for her. She has been this amazing positive force in my life lately, and I just want to thank her for that. She does very little that has to do with making herself happy. She's so focused on me, and so focused on my dad. I think part of that is what has made her such a good mother to me, but it's getting almost painful to see her doing it. I want her to be happy! To be more than a mother, to also be a woman. She's so amazing. I want her to do what makes her happy. So anyway, on my drive home from work tonight, I decided that I was going to make her do something that would make her happy. Or at least make her tell me what she wanted me to do for her. But she won't! She is insisting that what would make her happy is to relax and watch tv in her living room with a blanket over her. I can relate to that, so it's cool. But. Hm.

I hope that she's really happy. I worry sometimes. Maggie asked me a while ago if I thought she was happy, and I honestly didn't have any answer. I can't say yes, and I can't say no. I don't think she's miserable. And I don't think she thinks she's unhappy, but I wonder if maybe she'd be happier with something else going for her. I wonder, you know? I can't ask her. She'd say that she's happy, of course. Not that she'd lie. My mom would never lie. But I don't think she knows. She's devoted herself to living the life she's living...making my dad happy in this highly unequal relationship.

I don't doubt that she doesn't love him, or that he doesn't love her, but she takes care of him and tiptoes around and sometimes I wish she'd stand up for herself and do what makes her happy a little more.

I was telling Linda how much the idea of battered women incredibly sad. I was telling her how I can't stand it, and how even when I saw "enough" (a cool, woman-affirming J Lo movie that is in no way supposed to be sad really) I couldn't stop crying, nor could I cheer up all day. The song "Two Beds and a Coffee Machine" by Savage Garden makes me really really sad. All that stuff just kills me. Anything about women being abused. Linda suggested that it might have something to do with my parents, how they're unequal, and how I'm used to seeing that. She wasn't implying that there is abuse, just that I see it as something that could be, and that would be horrible and tragic, expecially since my own mother puts up with so much.

But my mom wouldn't put up with abuse. She's not that forgiving. I've heard her tell my dad many times that if he ever hurt her, she'd leave and never look back. She's also told him that if she caught him cheating she'd leave and not even give him a second look. Not that my dad does these things, but that she has said this.

One time he called her "thick" and she came at him with a shoe, hitting him, calling him an asshole. That's the only time I've heard her use bad language really. That was probably one of the hardest moments of my life. Usually my parents get along well.

My Dad was being bad this week (as my mom put it) and he felt bad, so he bought her a card on the anniversary of their first date :-) There's still something there.

I just want my mom to be happy and free. Maybe she is, in her own way. Maybe she's found some peace that I haven't yet. But for now, I'm on my way out, and I'm going to buy her a cheesecake and anything else i can think of to make her birthday special.

I love my mother, infinitely. I don't know what I'd do without her at this point in my life.