A Walk to Remember (again)
Wednesday, Jul. 10, 2002 23:22

There's something about a new layout that makes me want to update more often. It's like if I'm working to improve the way the diary looks, maybe I should also be working to improve what I'm putting out there to the world (by "the world" I mean the 4 or so people that read on a regular basis).

I just watched "A Walk to Remember." That movie makes me so sad! And then, afterwards, my mom and I were talking about how Mandy Moore is an infinitely better actress than she is a singer. And I was saying that the same goes for Jenifer Lopez. This, of course, got me thinking about "Enough" (the saddest movie I have ever seen) and the result is that I feel quite sad.

I also feel like I want to go to bed, but by signing onto the internet, I've gotten myself sucked in and committed to some people for a while.

Ouch, that makes it sound like my friends are a burden. They're not. It's just that yeah, nevermind.

Anyway. I feel a bit of frustration. It's painful to me to not be able to cry when I need to cry. Tears fell from my eyes, from my face even, onto my chest. But I couldn't cry so that my parents could see me. And that's something I don't entirely understand. What do they care? They don't. What do I care? I don't know. But I do. I care a lot. Very few people are allowed to see me cry...allowed to see me weak.

I cannot be weak.

But I'm really just about as weak as they come.

Aaanyway. Today was a pretty good day at work. I was happy. Being at work is good when I'm happy. Because it all depends on what mood I'm in. When I"m happy, I love people. I like doing things for them and waiting on them and everything. When I'm in a bad mood, I'd rather they all just went home. Tomorrow I have to work 1-9. For some reason that shift is very displeasing to me. So hopefully it won't be. I need to make sure I get up and give myself time to be up for a bit before I have to go to work. That usually helps. I can't feel like an asshole when I get to work.

I want to be at camp. Yeah. You're sick of hearing that, ay? Well. I do. That's all I want. I'm happy, really, but not content. Things are going much better than they were a week or so ago. But then again, my period is over too. You know what? I hate that. I hate that it has such an effect. What kind of crap is that anyway? It's like the me that is important sort of disappears to give way for these stupid hormones to rage. It is really frustrating, and I feel like it takes away from my credibility.

I cannot be weak.

Yeah. Like I said a while ago, someday I'll see a shrink.

Anyway, so hopefully I'll get to bed soon. And I'm going to wake up and things are going to be all good and happy.

Hm. I think they'd be happier if something would make me cry tonight though. Well something that isn't directly painful to me anyway.