Emily can be a whore
Tuesday, Jul. 16, 2002 22:40

I hate that after I work it takes hours before I get tired enough to go to bed. Work energizes me, and often makes me feel good. That is a good thing when I'm working the day shift, but not when I don't get home until 10 and can't sleep 'til after midnight.

So, it seems that the majority of my friends are slipping out of my view. They're no longer even in earshot. I have no idea what they're doing, with whom, or why.

And frankly, I don't particularly care.

Yup, it seems that they've sort of dropped off the face of the earth. And while I'm reachable, should that phone call come (you know the one: "Hi, is Emily there?... yes... um... Emily, I'm just calling to let you know that Katie was swallowed up into outer space the other day... yes... she said to send you her love"), I'm not terribly worried. I just feel very anti-social. I am just so sick of all the petty stuff. I'm sick of doing the same things over and over. I'm sick of driving around. I'm sick of my problems, and I'm sick of theirs. I'm sick of not feeling free. I'm sick of being completely and utterly misunderstood. I'm sick of them having absolutely no idea what kinds of experiences I've had or want to have. I'm sick of them not giving a damn about my feelings. I'm sick of them mocking my every comment. I'm sick of them using me as a scapegoat for their character weaknesses. I'm just sick of it all.

I want to move to Bethel and say "fuck you!" to everyone here that I have bothered to contact (nor have they bothered to contact me) except on the internet here and there. I want to just go along my way, go to work, hang out with those that I'm hanging out with and let that be it.

There are very few people that are getting me right now. And the rest...I don't know. I love everyone pretty much the same. That hasn't changed. I still care a great deal for the people that I've been caring for for the past few years.

But I've been very hurt by one. I've been annoyed to death by one (or two). I've been disgusted and picked apart by one. I've been loved to death by one. I've had a great deal of fun with one. I've stifled boredom with one. I've been completely ignored by several.

And for those with the good effects... I'm more than happy to hang out with you. But man. Sure, I'm being a wretched bitch, but, I'd rather just sit here and talk to my computer for the time being.

Yes, I, too can be very very dark.

And the sad part is that I'm in a pretty good mood right now.

Oh well, at least I got to drive through Vermont for the first time since I was little, I got to see Canada for the first time. I got to see good (and cute!) movies. I got to go to OOB (I heart you Tiff!). I saw amazing concerts. I spent time with family. I've been working and enjoying it. I've got some money.

So it's not all bad, at all. But at an emotional impass, I am.

I'm so so sorry. I know many of you have put a lot of faith in me. I'm not supposed to be this bad. My eyes are heavy, and my forehead is wrinkled. I still love you.

I don't know what my problem is.