Losing a "brother"
Tuesday, Jul. 23, 2002 00:34

So today was quite a day!

I have thought of many things over the course of the day that I have wanted to talk about, but I"m sure that by now I have forgotten much of that eloquence.

The most immediate thing to me right now is, of course, the Jimmy eat world show that I just got home from. It was good in a lot of ways, and not so good in a few others.

Let's start with the bad parts, shall we? First: It was about 100 degrees in the state theater. Holy crap...thought I was going to die. Second: Aaron was there. This would have been so bad had he talked to me. But nope. I didn't even get a hello. I didn't exist, as I haven't existed in his world for some time now. He makes me really angry, and worse than that, he really hurts me a lot. Aaron and I were fighting increasingly more and more up until now. But there was a time when I was his cupcake, and things were okay. When I was breaking up with Noah, he was there for me. HE was the only one I wanted to talk to for a while. His hugs were the only ones that offered me any comfort. And I just wanted him to hold me. He took care of me then. And there have been many times in which I have taken care of him. I think part of me saw him as a big brother. I never had much of a big brother. And I always wished my brother was more protective and all that. And Aaron did get really protective. And it was annoying sometimes, but it was good for me, I think. And I don't know...I just placed a lot in him. He was my only male friend. And...now I don't have any male friends left, besides Jeff. And I've become bitter. I hate testosterone. And I hate that while Aaron was so important to me, I wasn't important to him at all. I hate that we're not friends now because he's "Bad at keeping in touch." I hate that because some new girls came into his life, and college lead him to new things, the old stuff had to be abolished.

I hate that we've both changed too much to make that comfortable, loving relationship work now.

He came up behind me and Niki. I refused to acknowledge that I knew he was there. I was very immature about it. I wasn't going to make the first move. I feel like an asshole now. We were giggling and making fun of him, like two junior high girls. Arg. I suck sometimes. But...I don't know. I didn't know what to do, or how to deal. I HATE that fakeness...that shallow stuff, pretending that we were never anything more than aquaintances. But then I didn't have to worry about it. Niki's Dad came over (he was at the concert too! I hope I'm still cool when I'm that age) and talked to us, and Aaron apparently got scared away.

eh. Anyway.

The music was awesome, as I knew it would be. They even played "Goodbye Sky Harbor!!!" That's my favorite. weee! And the lighting was amazing, although a little blinding at times. The background was set up to look like a starry sky. And the patterns on the crowd lights were very pretty and intricate. I was highly impressed by the visual arts involved in putting the show on.

Then Niki and I drove home singing Madonna. hehe, so fun! Niki and I always have fun. We were best friends back in 7th grade, probably because of that very thing! She tells stories. She's really dramatic about it, and really funny. I laugh hysterically, and listen. But she listens to me when it's my turn too. We have inside jokes that go all the way back to 7th grade. And there's a degree of seriousness to our relationship too, so it's all good. I enjoy her greatly. Granted, we think much differently, and place importance on much different things, but we're excellent summer friends.

I had a lot of fun with Tiff and Serena today too! yay for swimming in the ocean. Hm. If only I hadn't been pooped on (by a seagull, hehe). And this sunburn isn't feeling too good either. Ouch!

Night night!