Hurting Emi
Tuesday, Jul. 30, 2002 22:11

I'm having a really painful day, for the most part.

When I was at work, I was in a pretty bad mood. It was one of those days where I was just screaming inside, and yet I had to somehow muster the strength to be nice to the nice TJ Maxx customers (and even the not-so-nice ones). It got better, rather than worse, thankfully. Part of that had to do with Rae Lynn, the coolest manager ever (who I'm thinking more and more is a lesbian. Leave it to me, right?). And the fact that I got to be in jewelery and get stuff accomplished (unimportant details).

So when I got home, I was excited to get home and see that Nessae was online and that she was bursting with energy. It kind of made me sad though when she told me that it was because she's found a boy and that's she totally in love with him. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a complete asshole, but it was nice to have that glimmer of hope, along with someone to share my aloneness with. She deserves it though. I just feel sorta dumb.

Then Linda came online. She was exactly what I was wanting at that exact moment, so I was excited when she IMed me. We had an okay time. I took her to Pizza Hut. It wasn't strained, and we did get to talk a little, but I do feel really unsatisifed, still.

In fact, as I was saying to her, I feel unsatisfied with all of my relationships right now, really. I'm just missing something. And I'm not sure what that is. I feel very lonely. I'm not connecting with anyone right now. And I miss Lauren tonight. I emailed her to tell her so.

Plus, I always feel irrationally cheated when someone can only be with me for a limited amount of time. I want to get people forever and ever. I want them to be completely mine. Mainly because I don't think that's ever really happened with anyone that I'd want it to happen with. So, when she went off to watch a movie with Jeff, I was slightly disgruntled.

I'm needy, especially with her. There's a lot that my emotions can't handle. And I hate it. very very much.

I talked to Floyd for a few seconds (it seemed like). I really needed someone to talk to. Because I hurt a lot when I got here. But she was busy. And that's okay. I'm not her responsibility.

I was talking to Ryan, and I heard the tv on in mom's room, so I went in to talk to her and to tell her that she's better than my friends, and that I wish I could hang out with her tommorrow on my day off. I almost cried. She makes me feel so perfect. Like all of this doesn't matter...that it'll be okay, and that it's okay to be me.

I needed to feel that.

Sometimes I forget that I'm just me. And that that's okay. I forget that I don't have to try or do anything. Sometimes I need to just be, living here in my skin, taking care of who I most fundamentally am.

But I wish for many things tonight. I wish for peace with Linda. There's no peace for me, and I'm not sure how to achieve it. But I'm going to try my damnedest to figure out what it is I need. I wish for love, and with that must come affection. I need affection very much right now. I wish for a big brother, for someone to protect me and care about me and worry.

"I need you tonight, 'cause I'm not sleeping."

Odd choice of music, considering my mood, ay?

I wish for peace, within myself, within my life, within my world.

I wish for sweet dreams, and a relaxing day off.