Someone let me be IT, please
Thursday, Aug. 01, 2002 23:12

Everyone has these important lives that they must attend to. THey have a circle of people that they give most of their attention to. They have a family that molds them. They have a significant other, or a crush that gets the best of them. They have a best friend that acts as the default person in their lives. They have a job and work enough so that a large chunk of their time is taken up. And they have themselves at the center, self-preservation being the first focus.

But what if it isn't mutual? What happens when the people that value me and need me the most, that include me in their own special circle, are people that I don't include in mine. Or today's particular problem. What happens when the people that I include in my tightest, most intimate circle don't include me in theirs?

I feel like I don't really get my own circle anymore. I feel like everyone else is calling the shots, and I'm just sort of stuck here waiting for someone to take a few seconds to want me. I'm not included in anyone's inner circle at the moment, and I don't really have one of my own because the people that I would want to be sitting in here with me are completely unavailable.

It feels like I'm not on anybody's priority list, besides my mom's. When I crawled in bed with her the other day, I said: "mom, why can't you be my friend? You're better than my friends." And she is. Because she misses me when I'm gone. She worries about me. She cares about me. And yet we have fun, and I can talk to her, and she can talk to me. My mom and I have the perfect relationship (well, friendship).

In the past week, I've made 3 fruitless phone calls, been ditched online when I REALLY needed to talk, been ditched in person for a significant other, been ditched in person for family, been rejected (sort of), been completely ignored by people at work when I tried to reach out, been very blatantly excluded, had nothing to do on either one of my days off.

I'm not the one anybody calls first. And I don't have anyone to call first.

I get left for the moments when someone thinks of me for one reason or another. Maybe they have a free moment, and the rest of their circle is out. Maybe they are hungry and I offer to take them to get food. Maybe they don't have anything to do, so they want my company. Maybe they realize that it's been a while and that they miss me. Maybe they need someone to talk to.

And none of those reasons are bad.

But sometimes I crave that inner circle status. Sometimes I crave being craved.

I'm just not it for anyone right now, and that makes me feel pretty value-less whether or not I really am at all.

Whatever.