Why I wasted my day off
Friday, Aug. 02, 2002 18:26

I feel like I missed my chance. Today was my day off. I could have done 101 things that made me happy, and I did absolutely nothing. And now my dad is home, making me quite sad. And my mom is gone off to ao funeral in Massachusetts. (random thought: I've frequently found it amusing that black people often pronounce MA as Massa-two-shits.)

I was writing a letter to Amanda yesterday during my break at work, and while I was writing it, I was slowly becoming more and more convinced that I should go to Bethel today. At first I was thinking Beaver park. And then definitely Bethel. I had almost made the decisions, and them some shit got in the way. Piece of shit number one was that I started to get concerned about whether I'd be wanted up there. There is always camp, and I could spend plenty of time out there by myself, but that wasn't really what I was looking for. I wasn't in the mood to go alone. My plan was to take someone up there and hang out with Maggie and Floyd. But looking at how stressed they were last week, it is seeming like it would be easier for all of us if I don't try to hone in on stuff up there. Plus, there's always the fact that I was just there, and there's no need for them to see me again, or take time out of their lives to hang out with me. And the fact that Floyd was gone most of the week and they probably like spending time alone from time to time.

Yeah, anyway, that was the first "shit." THEN, I figured, well, I might as well try, right? So I called Katie to see if she'd be able to go. Not only could she not go, because she's working today, but she couldn't really talk because Tom was coming over. And in the few moments that I did get to talk to her, neither of us had much to say at all.

So, there. No companion. There wasn't really anyone else that I felt like asking to go with me. Well, there was one more person, but I certainly wasn't going to ask him anyway.

So, my plans changed. I decided that I'd just stick around here and see what happened, thinking that maybe someone would be around to hang out with. However, after my lack of success in calling people last night, i didn't call anyone today, and, of course, nothing happened. I watched a movie. woo hoo.

If it had been hotter, I'd have gone to Beaver Park, but I didn't feel like it was necessary today.

And I'd go to camp right now, leave now, spend the night, come back in the morning...but my mom just left, most likely taking the key with her. Goshdarnit!

And now I'm wicked tired and angry. I'm so disappointed in myself, and in pretty much everything. I started out today in a good mood, with all these possibilities, and I didn't do a damned thing. Now I'm going to make a tape, and I guess just wait for someone to come online. Then I'll talk to them. Who knows? maybe we'll do something. uff.

I thought about calling Niki, but I decided against it because I want to do something free. If it costs money, then I'm not interested, not tonight. I'd pay $1 to go to Beaver park, or something like that, but nothing more. Nope. Sorry. And I always end up spending money with Niki. That's just how it is. Our relationship is more based on that type of thing.

Grr. I wish my father would go away. I feel so stifled when he's here. It isn't helping my mood at all.

I am one achey chiquita today.