Growing out of the rules
Sunday, Aug. 04, 2002 19:57

I can't think of a more pathetic time in my life, really. It's so different now, and so frustrating. In high school, or last summer, or in Boston, it's never been like this. I would work, and whenever I wasn't working, I would have fun. I would be with any of a number of friends that I couldn't imagine loving any more than I did. I would call someone on my way home from work on a Saturday night and we'd make a Denny's run. I'd want to go see a movie, and I'd have a long list of people to ask. Never did I not find someone to hang out with, if I wanted it badly enough. It was like this nice, comfy safety net of amazing person after amazing person.

And now, I work, and I sit home alone on my days off. And I don't even want to hang around half of the former members of my social circle. At least not in the way that they want to hang out. I don't have the same connection them many of them as I used to, and I'm not sure that they fully understand that, nor will they until next summer.

And everything has to be so complicated. I had forgotten about all these social rules of who hangs out with who and when and who gets the priority and what a significant other thrown into the mix does. It has to be this thought-out way. There can't be a mixing of friends. Everyone must walk around with a stick shoved up their asses. You cannot, under any circumstances, just ask another friend along when considering plans already made with one friend. You cannot combine friends. And you must be selfish, greedy and self-centered in all cases. You must protect your friends with your life. And in order to maintain these standards, it is highly permissable to make one friend feel worthless, as long as it is all in the name of maintaining the proper structure without jiggling the stick too much. Wouldn't want to inflame that anus!

Maybe I'm just bitter because I used to be one of the "favorites" of quite a few people, and now I'm sort of out of the picture.

I guess that's just what you get for going away for a schoolyear. You only get to really keep in contact with the best of your high school friends, and due to your growth of alien-like tentacles, you cannot mingle as you once did.

I really hope I'm not imagining this. But I honestly couldn't feel more different and alienated right now.

And as much as I love everyone as individuals, I'm beginning to, for the first time, become very resentful of the fact that so many of my closest friends are a year younger than me. Maybe this is pretentious and highly self-righteous to state, but I really feel like I see things much more maturely and on a larger picture than they do now. If only I could show them what the world looks like from my point of view right now. If only they could realize what all of this will eventually mean.

I am not being fair right now. I'm feeling very emotionally tired. I worked all day, and I didn't feel good, and all I wanted was to come home, be able to do something that would make me happy, so that my day could be worthwhile, and feel like my world hasn't completely gotten smushed and closed up in a box for the summer. And I tried to find something to do, some people to immerse myself in, so that I could relax and let myself rest a little while, and it didn't work out. And I got stuck in the loopholes of these melodramatic teenage rules of sticks in asses. And it hurt.

So, in order to do something about this, I felt I needed to express it.

I still feel so much love. Why aren't people coming to get it anymore?

*stabbing pain of missing Aaron*

ow.