The things that crush
Sunday, Aug. 11, 2002 21:20

It's so tiresome to me how utterly sensitive I am. There are those certain people out there that have the power to leave me feeling so achey. I feel this inflamed tightness in my chest, and I feel like I have to scream. And I feel like throwing away whatever I'm doing and just walking away. So I have to keep telling myself how temporary all of it is, that it's simple emotional overreaction, that it isn't who I am, and that all I need is to breathe.

So I get up off my bed and walk down the hall, and back. And I hold my head, and I sneeze. And then I do my best to stick my head outside and breathe in deeply the cool Maine air, and then I can sit back down, and slowly put the pieces back together.

It's amazing how little it takes to cause the pieces to fall apart.

I had a bad moment this afternoon too.

When I was young, I spent a lot of time in the hospital (I should calculate how much sometime). And although that time contributed to a lot of who I am in good ways, it left me with a few difficult issues. I've talked about my issues with sleep before in here, but here's a bigger one: I have a really hard time going to hospitals (or doctors, or dentists or nursing homes, or anything really...)

My mom and I went to visit my grandmother in the hospital in Norway today. I hadn't thought about it even. I hadn't even considered that it might be difficult for me, especially since I had visited my Nana and my grandfather when they had their various medical issues. I thought maybe that had helped me get over it? I don't know. I didn't consider it anyway. But when I got there, and walked into the room, and saw my grandmother's roommated with an oxygen mask, and the IVs and the medicines, it was really hard for me. I got really nauseous all of a sudden, and sort of dizzy. I had to sit down. And when I sat, I thought i was going to need to pace so that I didn't throw up. It sucked. I don't know...I just couldn't handle it. I don't know what I would have done if she had looked bad, or been hooked up to machines or something. Yikes.

I don't think that either my mom or my grandmother noticed that I wasn't okay, so that was good. I don't want to alarm anyone. But I bet if they had been looking, I got really pale.

The first time I went to see my Grampie after his knee surgery, I almost passed out. My Nana was adjusting the bandage, and there was blood, and he was on oxygen, and I just couldn't handle it. I sat down, and put my head between my legs until I stopped seeing stars. And nobody noticed. I was okay in a few minutes, and I never told anyone about it.

But those are just things I can't handle.

I used to think it was because I got worked up over it. I thought about it, and it made me nervous and anxious, etc, but this time it was so sudden. Uff.

I wonder if this will fade with time?

Arg. I used to be so angry with my mom, with my doctors, with the nurses for putting me in those hospitals. I used to get scared anytime my mom ever took me to portland, because I thought she was going to trick me, and bring me all the way to Boston. I was afraid of Boston. I was afraid of my aunt's house in Beverly. And I hated them for doing it to me. I used to just cry in my mother's arms. And she felt bad. I know that she did. She used to look at me all the time and tell me that she wished she didn't have to do this to me. But it didn't help. I was so angry! I didn't understand why I had to be different. I didn't know what my medical condition was all about. I was just a kid that everyone wanted to steal blood from.

This is making me really emotional.

And it's making me miss Megan and Luann and all of the good parts of those days in Boston. What I wouldn't give to be there playing in the teacher's lounge with Megan again. We'll reunite someday, and it will be amazing.

This is long. I'll stop.