More summer poop
Thursday, Aug. 22, 2002 12:04

I'm starting to smell pretty bad. I really do need a shower, but I figured, a little internet time first isn't going to hurt now, is it?

I'm sitting on my very own bed now, at home. And I'm listening to my stereo. I don't know what anyone else thinks of it, or if it's good comparatively, but I love my stereo. It was the first cd player I got, I think when I was a sophomore in HS, for Christmas. It's nothing fancy, but I love it very much. And I'm quite excited that I get to bring it to school with me this year. In fact, I have to bring a bunch of other things too. This reminds me. My mom is going to Ames tomorrow night, and she told me to make a list of things to look for. I'll do that soon.

So, I can't wait for summer to be over. I really can't. When I was driving home from Auburn last night, I had this sudden pang, and I missed Lala so much. Man. Everything sucks right now. It really does. I'm sick of working, I'm sick of my friends, whom I haven't even really seen at all this summer. I'm sick of being so bored and lonely. I'm angry that I didn't do anything this summer.

There are only a few good things I can take away from this time: time with my mom, time with Maggie and Rita, time with Tiffany and Serena, and a large bank account. Well, and "Blue Crush" ;-P.

I was talking to Maggie for a while yesterday. I don't know what I want to say about that. But it was a satisfying experience. A lot of the times that I've spent with Maggie this summer have been disappointing, but this time it was good. Nothing special, but just enough. Just what I knew was there, and could be there.

I tried to talk to Rita too for a little while. She's a mess. And I wish that she wasn't. I wish it for her, for Maggie, and especially for students at Lisbon. She is that crazy teacher that everyone at Lisbon loves, and if she's not going to be that, then Lisbon doesn't have much left. Everything is falling apart at that school. It has been for quite a while, but for me, when I was in school, we had her, and that's what made the days good. That's what made us all feel like we belonged there. I heard bad things from this past schoolyear, and I have a feeling that if she isn't able to change the way she feels, then things are only going to get worse. I wish I could convince her anything, but I'm only one kid.

In a little over a week, everyone is going to be gone. It'll be just me and my state, and my home, trying to come to terms with the summer, trying to get ready to head back to Boston.

I just want to have done more, to have made more connections, more of a difference. I have wasted my summer away, taking a vacation, but not from work, or stress, but from myself, from loving, and living. And I can't get that back. And I don't even know what I could possibly do to change the way this last month of being home ends up.

Everything is a disappointment, a let-down, an item of disgust, and it's all lonely. I'm just so angry with myself. It all sucks.