It's missing
Friday, Aug. 23, 2002 01:30

I'm scare of people. Like incredibly scared, because I don't think that they will like me, because I don't want to disappoint them, because I don't believe that they are telling the truth, because I can't stand the thought that they might say something that pains me. Because I can't handle that.

I'm sensitive.

And I don't think I could ever meet someone that I had talked to online and have it work out, because I don't think i could ever believe in it enough. I could meet someone that I thought seemed wonderful. I could meet someone that I could forsee amazing things with, but I could never believe that they would happen, because I could never believe that they wouldn't be disappointed when they met me, and found out what I really am.

This is a problem. How am I ever going to meet anyone? Even in person. The only people I can see myself every trusting to be okay with me are people that I already know. So, what? I only date people I already know? yeah...that doesn't work.

But I'm scared of people. I don't know how to meet them. And yet, I do. But I'm under the impression that nobody would want to meet me. I feel like I'm stumbling, awkward, ugly, undesirable, boring...what else? Everything else. I feel like I'm nothingness in the land of relationships where you have to be something to get anything.

And I can just sit here saying "love me! love me!" to an audience on the internet, but I don't believe that I'm worthy of that kind of love when it comes down to it. Because of some crucial mistake that I am, some version of myself that's not as good as it needs to be.

I'm a walking contradiction. I feel everything i'd tell any of my friends not to feel. I don't believe a words that anyone says about me if it is positive. I do stupid things in order to try to gain attention, affection, favoritism, and yet, I'm left with nothing.

Except supreme jealousy or people I should never be jealous of, insecurity that will never seem to go away, a desire to always be the favorite because I've never been that to anyone (except the one time that I wasn't ready for it), and this stupid loneliness and self-loathing that sort of comes with the territory of never feeling like I'm good enough for anyone.

And fear. I'm scared of people.

I am also really tired. And I've spent about 2 hours longer than I meant to on this stupid machine. Uff.