Am I repeating myself?
Saturday, Aug. 24, 2002 23:25

I think I'm tired? I'm wicked full anyway. I hate that...when I get home from work and eat. Uff. Now I'm going to let it sit all night. Just what I need. But anyway.

I was watching "Drive me Crazy," but I turned it off. My attention was waning.

I am incredibly excited about school. It's 3 weeks away now though. I wish it was closer. I have been collecting kitchen items for us, and thinking about how awesome this whole thing is going to be...the apartment, being with Lauren and Beck again, etc etc. Man, yeah, this is going to be great, I feel.

I've been thinking and feeling so much lately. And yet I've had so little to think or feel. I'm really stuck in something that I can't even identify, let alone get out of. I'm trying to take care of myself, and my feelings, and to do the healthy thing, but I don't know how. And I keep making these ridiculous mistakes. I want to bash myself in the head sometimes. Wicked stupid, I have been. I don't know though, it all may work out for the best anyway. At this point, I'm not going to concern myself with anything besides making sure I get to Boston in one emotional piece with everything I need, and without the regret of not saying goodbye to my friends as they leave for school next weekend.

That's not really true though. Chances are good that I'm going to be beating myself up over everything. I'm going to end up being wicked pissed off, and wicked hurt. And nothing will ever get fixed.

It sucks that I can't even say what I mean. And the reason that I can't has nothing to do with censorship or privacy. I honestly just can't figure out what I mean to mean. I just know that I'm in a really rough patch, and a really hard spot. I spent a while in the shower, shouting things that I want, and need in this emotional outpouring. And I've been very angry and bitter towards a number of people in the past few days. I've been disgusted, bitter, jealous, and infinitely lonely and sad. But I can't even remember why.

All this shit just sort of comes and goes, appearing as an excuse for my feelings, then going away again when I realize that I am not finding the solution to my problems by being angry.

So, I really just need someone to be with me right now, by my side, lying on my bed with me, not saying a word, not trying to seduce me, not doing anything, but doing absolutely everything that I want them to do. But since that isn't going to happen, I think I'll just go to bed, and try to forget. Maybe I'll come to some kind of revelation or something.

On another note, I dreamt about Laura Carrell last night. weird.