Emily world
Friday, Aug. 30, 2002 23:22

I'm talking to Aaron, and he just mentioned how he doesn't know what's been going on with the "old gang" because he has been in Aaron world for so long. And he's right, and that's okay. We all have to find our own worlds. Sometimes those worlds include people we used to be friends with, and sometimes they don't. For Aaron, it's been great. His friends are here, his school is here, his summer was here. But for me, it sucks. My life here, in Maine, sucks now. My world has moved. And a part of me is not happy about that. Most of me is, don't get me wrong, but there's still that small part that is angry and sad for everything that didn't go the way I wanted it to go. I don't know how it happens. How do the people you love more than anything suddenly become annoying, distant, or just not even there anymore?

I haven't been connecting with people the way I used to, well, only a few of them, I suppose, but still. And I don't miss them at all. And I don't want to see them at all. But I miss missing them. And it makes me sad that I don't want to see them.

So, I'm just waiting for the day when I can go back to school and stop missing everything so much, and stop being so alone and lost. Because when I'm there, I have a place, and I know where I now belong. But when I'm here, all I can see is the home that I thought I'd always have. And it's a home that I will always have, but I don't fit into it the perfect way that I once did. And there's no Emily world here.

Anyway. I had a scary dream last night. But it wasn't scary really, just anxiety-driven. That's the only nightmarish dreams I ever have, ones where I'm really nervous and under a lot of stress. In this particular dream, I was stuck somewhere and the only way I could get out was to squeeze through this little tunnel. But I knew I couldn't fit. And I just stayed there. I called the cops, and I think they told me to just try to go through the tunnel. So I tried, and I got through, I think. It was odd. I don't know. There was more to it, mostly unimportant detail. But Chris Freve was there, and he was making fun of me. Hmm.

One more thing that I keep forgetting to write. When Ryan and I got out of "Blue Crush" at hoyts in Brunswick last night, this girl held the door for me. She had long wavy-ish hair, glasses, and was just about the same height as a girl that I used to go to camp with. PLUS, this particular girl used to work at hoyts. That would be an excellent reason for her to be there, seeing "Blue Crush" alone, especially since it's a movie I'd never picture her seeing. But anyway, seeing her brought back all these memories. I was infatuated with this girl. If I remember correctly, she was the first bisexual girl I'd ever met. She's also an amazing singer, and an incredibly person in a lot of ways. She's a sarcastic bitch, and she's pretty negative, but I thought she was great anyway. I remember wanting so badly to win her over, to have her like me. And the first year I was at camp with her, she didn't. But the second year, I can remember sitting up really late in the cabin talking. And I remember her telling me that I was a cool person to talk to. And she complimented me on my singing. And all in all, it was satisfying. I remember when she hugged me goodbye and she smelled good. Yeah. It was an infatuation. And at the time, I didn't even really realize it, I don't think. Although one of the summers I was with her, I was dating Linda. And I can remember wanting to tell her that I was dating a girl. But I couldn't at that point. hm.

So anyway, this girl. Yeah, what I wouldn't give to run into her now in broad daylight. Even if it was her in the theater (and I'm not certain that it was), she wouldn't have gotten a good look at me and vice versa. If I could see her sometime...I would just want her to recognize me. That's it. She is the type of girl that's hard to make an impression on. She's so nonchalant and "cool." If she remembered me, I'd be giddy. Hmm.

I could talk a lot more tonight, but I won't. I shall leave it at that.