I'm sorry, I love you
Sunday, Sept. 01, 2002 00:59

I'm not a naturally enthusiastic person. When I act enthusiastic about something, i really am enthusisastic about it. And when other people act enthusiastic about something (especially when they act that way about me) it doesn't occur to me that they are acting that way because they act that way with everyone, and not because they are super excited about something concerning me. Oops.

Emily has made mistake #293747834 in her 19 years of life on this eart.

I hate it when I find something out that makes me feel wicked stupid. I hate it when I think someone really cares about me and then he or she doesn't even consider me a part of his or her life. I don't know. I let people into my world really easily. So maybe that's just me. If someone makes an impression at all, if they spark some kind of emotion, then they enter pretty quickly. People are in my mind all the time. I'm constantly thinking about people, from those that are closest to me to those that I don't talk to on a regular basis at all. Then I want to mention them to others, and I want to write about them in an online diary. And how many times have I done this with people that have never even thought twice about me? One too many times, starting today.

Um, I have the urge to say two things today. The first: I'm sorry. I feel like I've been failing at a lot of things lately. I feel like I've been the wrong thing for too many people, and that I've been self-pitying and completely unavailable in any real sense. And the second: I love you. It's been a really long time since I've been able to tell someone that I love them in a very real sense. I say it from time to time to various people (Serena, Steph at work, LaLa) but I miss sitting and having an incredible moment with someone, and feeling them, and feeling that love flowing from one person to the other. I miss how big my heart can get, because lately I think it has been the size of a raisin.

I had another dream last night about moving back to NU. In this one my roommate kept chaning identity. She went from cookie cutter to black to nerdy to average. *sigh* I need this to be over. I need to be back in Boston.