Give my thoughts a speeding ticket
Wednesday, Sept. 11, 2002 01:48

I can't relax. And I don't even want to try to relax. I feel like I'm awake now. And I wish I could be this awake at about eight in the morning, but I know that I'll sleep half the day away and then hate myself for it.

So, since I'm not in a place where I can even think about sleeping, I've decided to write. Sometimes after I write, I can sleep, because it gets all the crazy thoughts out.

I've got all these different scenarios in my head. I'm not willing to describe most of them to anyone. And this reminds me of two recent conversations that I have had. Linda asked me if I had secrets a little while ago. I had to think about that. And I realized that yes, I do have secrets. But, in most cases, if I would tell anyone about something, I would tell most people about it. I'm not picky about who hears my thoughts. If I have something that I don't want a lot of people to know, I usually don't tell anyone at all. But it's not usually anything big. It's usually a thought that I had that I was ashamed of. Then, along the same line, Tiffany asked me what I could possibly not be saying here, since I told her that my paper journal is much more personal. Now, these scenarios that I've been planning out, for instance, are examples of things that I'd write there but not here.

Aaanyway, scenarios of packing, loading the car, fighting with my dad about it, arriving, meeting Jess, meeting Theresa, various things after we're there, situations including Jess, Beck, Lala, Theresa, the apartment, the tv, finding a work study job, etc. All of these insane thoughts of just about every aspect of going back to school are just racing around, ceaselessly through my brain. And they're waking me up and making me more and more alert by the second, until I am squirmy and just can't lay there anymore.

I haven't felt anxious in a really long time, and that's good. I don't feel anxious now, or nervous at all. Last year at this point, I would have been so nauseous I wouldn't have been able to take it, but I'm past that now, because I know what it's like, and that it's all going to be good in the end. I just want to get a jump on everything. I want it to happen now. I'm getting impatient, and stressed about all of the things that are happening in the next 4 days or so. I'm dwelling on every detail of packing and calling people and what time we're leaving and what I'm going to do when I first get to west village.

eek! Calm down Emily!!

But...I don't want to calm down! Because I want to get it all done with. I want this all to happen, and I want it to happen now. i don't want to lay down and go to sleep right now because then I feel like I'm not being proactive. But come on now...what can I do in the middle of the night? uff

Aanyway, well, I believe that yesterday I said something about my little non-sexual crush-like infatuation with my boss? well I worked with her tonight. I was so excited when she told me something personal. Just the least little bit! It made me all smiley. And then later, we were talking about how my last day there is Thursday. She told me, very sincerely, that she's going to miss me, that she really enjoys working with me. And that was fabulous. Plus, she was asking me what my last few shifts were because she wanted to make sure she was going to see me again. *sigh* It's so good to feel cared about, appreciated, LIKED by someone you think is that cool. But then again, that's probably part of the reason I think she is so cool, because that's part of who she is. She calls people "sweetie" but not constantly...just once in a while, enough to be meaningful. She jokes with everyone. She seems to like everyone. But she's not always very nice, so you believe that she's sincere in her fondness for you. She's just awesome. Her woman is lucky to have her.

Phew, so I think I'm calming down a bit now. mmmindigogirls.

Tommorrow: See Tiffany, start going through stuff in my room, weeding out stuff I dont' need to bring back to school, maybe some light packing, call Floyd if she's not online, call RBR again, work, come home, GO TO BED AT REASONABLE HOUR. pssh, yeah, like that'll ever happen. I think I need someone to drag me out of bed in the morning so I don't sleep all day. Then I'd be in better shape at night.