Moving prep
Saturday, Sept. 14, 2002 23:02

Today has been odd. I've been really really tired all day. I was cranky for a while, then feeling quite anxious, then quite helpless, but for a while, I was bordering on tweaking.

I am constantly planning things out in my head. That's simply the way that I am. I imagine the way things are going to be, and come up with all these situations, and in the end it always comes back to hurt me. Today I was dreaming up things I could do with Linda. She's the only one left here, besides Ryan, whom I hung out with last night. And Linda had also said that she wanted to see me again before I left. So, I was thinking that I'd see her. I shouldn't have assumed anything. Because when I called her, and she told me that Zack was there, my little tiny world was temporarily crushed. I couldn't even hold back my tears until we were off the phone. It was the culmination of everything, all this overwhelming stress. And then things started to look like they weren't going to be the way I thought they would be, and in the end, I got frustrated, as it looked like things were falling apart.

When I got off the phone with her, i decided to call Floyd. Still no answer at her house. She has completely disappeared in the past week. It's beginning to scare me, frankly. uff. So that sucked.

Plus, my brother and his girls were here, and getting ready to leave nonetheless, and it was hard to avoid seeing people. I hate it when people see me cry. I stayed in my room, but then Adrianna came in to tell me they were leaving. It's easy to fool a four-year-old, thankfully. So I went outside with her and Rosie and it was okay for a few minutes. Then my dad tried to take away the car, thus not giving me a chance to go for one last drive. And that last drive was another thing I had been planning on, and therefor, I felt like it was falling apart. I went inside, and started to get a little hysterical. I couldn't even go outside to say goodbye, because I couldn't stop crying. Adrianna came back down, and she gave me a hug, thankfully, but when I was hugging her, I thought I was going to lose it. I love those little girls so much. And I miss them so much when they are so far way from me. I was feeling like I was losing everything: order, friends, home, family. The way I had visualized it had been disturbed as had anyone else I could possibly have spent time with tonight, and the idea that I could see my nieces whenever I wanted to.

I wasn't handling the stress. My eyes were still red when I got into the car with my mom to go run some last-minute errands. But my performance was flawless. Nobody knew, except maybe Adrianna. She's a pretty smart girl.

My mom and I were reminiscing later about how sick I was at this time last year. I was talking about how much anxiety is caused by this process. I had to remind her that even though it's not as debilitating and scary as it was last year, it's still very stressful and overwhelming, and an excruciating transition to make. Hopefully though, I'll be able to keep the cranky-ness to a minimum, and the rest will wear off quickly after I'm reunited with my friends, and with NU.

I leave tomorrow morning. See you all in my next entry, from my grand new apartment!