Blankness
Monday, Sept. 23, 2002 13:19

I have been more tired lately than I feel that I should be. I hope that this isn't an indication of something that I would be worried about. I was feeling really good and refreshed when I first got up today, but sitting in class, and now, I feel really tired.

For a long time now, I've had very little distinctive emotion. All summer whenever someone would ask me how I was, I wouldn't know what to say. When someone asked me what I was up to, I couldn't remember. And that I'm at school, I'm very sick of it. People call me, or I call them, and I can't think of a thing to say. I have the urge to write to people, to get the mail flowing back and forth and whatnot, but I can't think of anything worth saying. At first it was exciting to be here, and to talk about how cool this apartment is, but now I'm just sick of it. And I'm sick of not having anything of my own.

So, I'm not sure how to go about this. How do I create interesting things in my own life? I guess I"m just wishing that something would come along and shock me, and then I could be really excited about that for a while.

It realy is such an odd place to be in. To be surrounded by stuff all the time, and all the changes that are coming with being back here and school etc, and yet to still feel like there's nothing significant happening to me at all right now.

I miss being overwhelmed with the excitement and emotion of having so many different things to think about.

I'm a bit confused at the moment.

But I'm trying not to let this place that I'm in turn to stressful all on its own. There are so many people out there that are enwrapped in so much shit and drama right now. I don't have any of that. Those people need me to not be an asshole and get all self-involved and self-pitying. So I try to put on a happy face, and keep my eyes open for that exciting thing to happen, whenever it chooses to.