I'm a mess
Saturday, Oct. 05, 2002 12:39

I wish you could do private entries on diaryland sometimes, and then I realize that, for me, private entries defeat the purpose of this place. I don't believe that I should be able to censor myself to protect myself from the stupid things that I have done and the angry feelings I have had. I created a journal last year to be completely anonymous. It was the type of place where I used completely fake names, and did everything in my power to keep it a secret from people. I'd clear my history when I knew someone was using my computer. But I realized that I don't want to do that right now.

And yet, it's still something i can't bring myself to discuss here, in any way shape or form. I tell people all the time that I don't have secrets. And I guess that's a lie. But not one that I told on purpose.

I'm not having a good couple of days. And it makes me really really angry. I'm better than this. I'm better than the crap that I'm getting stuck on here. I'm better than these stupid irrational feelings, these ridiculous insecurities that person after person has tried to dispel, and these stupid regrets that are completely and utterly my own fault. So I go from this insane sadness to anger at myself for being sad. And nobody even notices. I'm stuck inside myself.

I no longer know what is my fault, what is someone else's fault, what is nobody's fault. And I no longer know what to do about any of it. I don't want to go back to the way I was last year....last winter. Not many people even knew about that. I didn't have my computer. I didn't have any connection to the world....

ok....there is too much distraction in this place. I can't handle it. No more for right now.