A friends is supposed to....
Sunday, Oct. 13, 2002 16:28

I've been thinking about friends that past couple of days. Uff. It's so strange to see what has happened to me and my friends. I used to think I had incredible friends, now I know that I do, but that they are not the people that I thought they were. I never would have guessed that the people that have stuck by me have, and the people that haven't wouldn't. It seems like the world is working in reverse.

Today in the shower, I was very angry.

And isn't it odd that the only people you can really really feel like you hate are the people that you've loved and trusted the most? I fully believe that at least I can't hate anyone I don't love. I think that goes for a lot of people. And even then. I don't know if I'm capable of really hating them. I don't know if I'm capable of hate. I don't think I've ever said I hated something and meant it. Except foods and such, but they don't count. I said many hateful things in the shower this morning.

But I am really just hurt. I think it's time to start to let go. I can't hang onto people that aren't hanging onto me. And I can't emotionally connect myself to people that just fuck me up time and time again. (If one particular person reads this she's going to assume that it's just about her, but it's not. I promise you sweetheart, this isn't just you. But I'm not going to lie and say you're not included here.) There are people that leave me feeling refreshed, rejuvenated, happy, loved, valued, and there are those people that make me feel like crap. Why do I let this happen time and time again? My friends aren't there to push me down. my friends aren't suppose to do this to me.

And there's no reason for me to accept it, because there are people around me that make up for the bullshit times 100. And for those people, I'm grateful. I'd also like to say that everyone reading this is going to be included in the good category (besides the aforementioned). If you've talked to me in the past week, you're included. If you have any idea what's going on in my life right now, then you're included. I'm not trying to hurt anyone.

Wow, this is getting pretty ridiculous. Anyway. I said what I needed to say. Now let's just hope that I start to be able to do something about this crap.