War
Friday, Oct. 18, 2002 11:48

I'm at war. And at the moment, I feel like I'm losing.

I'm at war with my body, my mind, my emotions. I'm at war with my motivation, my self-esteem, my will power.

My body first:

I have psoriasis. I don't talk about it much, but some people out there might know this. It makes my scalp a living HELL. It hurts, itches, feels like it's too small for my head, and then showers me with yellowish-white flakes that make me look like I haven't showered in weeks. I can't seem to get rid of it. Somedays are worse than others. Lately it's been rough.

It's also invading me in other places that I'd rather not discuss. Arrrrr.

I hate my hair, but I never did care about my appearance, so that's not a huge concern.

I've been constantly hungry lately. Like all the time...I eat a meal, I'm still hungry. And I don't want to eat! I know that my body can't possibly need that much food, and I know that all it is doing is making me fatter and fatter. But I just feel like I need to eat constantly. I'm hoping that I'll eventually run out of food and my body will just have to deal with that. I've resolved not to buy food at wollaston's anymore unless absolutely necessary. So until Beck takes me grocery shopping, there will be no new food.

My digestive system has been fucked up. Nobody wants to hear about that though. :-P

For a day I thought I was getting mono because my side hurt, very dully, in a place that I understand to be about where the spleen is. Plus I had this weird pain in my throat too. I was tired, but I'm sure that's because I don't sleep enough. That wasn't fun.

I thought I was going to keel over yesterday, I was so tired. I only slept 6 hours. If you know me, you realize this is a BAD idea.

But it's mainly the food thing that's bothering me most. Damnit! stop! Arg.

The inner me:

I don't know what the problem is but I feel very unwanted, unloved and mostly unfulfilled. I remember when I was younger I yearned to be somebody's favorite person. I was never really anyone's favorite person until I met Linda my sophomore year. And that was absolutely incredible for me. I love reading my journal entries from that time. And after her, I didn't feel like I needed it as much. I grew a great deal. I've always said that she built me. Now it's nice to be told that I'm loved, but I generally have what I need, and know that I do. But right now...I am wondering about things.

It seems like nobody is having much time for me lately. I try to talk to people and they're unresponsive. Very few people have sought me out because they want my company. And I'm having a hard time with it.

I seem to be nearly unable to motivate myself to do my work, and I'm hating myself because of that.

I'm not doing what I need to be doing for myself. I'm not going to bed when I say I'm going to, or doing anything that I should be.

I'm giving into a lot of little guilty pleasures that I later regret, and yet I can't stop myself.

I am feeling very worthless....and all of this crap about people not making time for me....and my inability to meet new people and make them want to be close to me. I wonder what it is about me that people don't feel drawn in by. I wonder what's wrong with me.

And I know that there are people reading this, just waiting to tell me that there's nothing wrong with me, and that I'm an amazing person, but I've heard all that. I'm sick of it. It's banal. And I still feel like there's something seriously wrong with this...this presentation.

I always think that people would like me if they knew me, but maybe that's the problem. Maybe I like myself too much and I'm too unwilling to change that....maybe there are things that need to be changed. Maybe there is something wrong.

I'm at war right now. I can't get out of my own way. I am not sure what I want to do about it. I know that there are things I should be doing. I should suck it up and do my homework, and go to the gym, and write, and think, and talk, and enjoy. But, I'm sort of in a rut, and at least today, those things seem really difficult.

I remember a time, my junior year, when I couldn't force myself to do anything. I had just lost the most amazing thing I'd ever known, and I was completely hopeless. I didn't do the work I should have done. I was failing at living, at being perfect, at everything. I cried at night. And eventually I was fine.

It has been such a roller coaster. And right now things really aren't that bad....so I wish I could just find some peace.