What I want
Saturday, Oct. 19, 2002 21:22

My diary habits haven't been very good lately. But then again, good is whatever works for me, so who knows what that is. I'm...not sure where I am or what I need right now. Sometimes I think I know, and then I find out a few minutes later that I don't.

"He was a skater boy...."

I'm feeling a little bit homesick right now. I just want to crawl into bed with my mom while she's watching tv and lay on her. And I want to drive. I miss the days of just going out my front door with the keys and feeling the power under my foot. I feel like a drive would be really good right now. I feel like a trip home would be really good.

But then again, I don't want to go home at all. I don't want to have to deal with being in that house with a father that I don't feel cares about me, surrounded by the past, and friends that I've lost, and a life that has completely changed and morphed. It's really depressing for me to be home. I don't like that the happy high school life I had is gone. And yet, I never want that back.

Sometimes i feel like I'm happy here and this is what I want to be doing. But sometimes I feel like I'm kidding myself. And I feel that nothing can ever measure up to being at home.

My mom emailed me today with all kinds of details about my family situation. I miss my family a great deal. Right now people are pulling together and loving each other. I got a card from my grandmother today. I love her so much, and the way she uses phrases like "the house is all buttoned up for the winter."

But I'm not just homesick out of the blue. I feel really guilty about some things right now. I've been blowing off a friend of mine when I should be just taking advantage of the fact that she wants to hang out with me. I'm not doing the work that I should. I'm not really feeling like talking to people, so I'm not really being there for them, and I'm not really being there for myself.

I'm having a lot of trouble figuring out what I want....what will make me happy.

Things aren't terrible. But I'd like to have a day where I don't go through at least one down period.