Another chapter in the selflessness saga
Monday, Oct. 21, 2002 13:15

I'm really tired of negativity. And it has come to my attention that complaining about it is completely ridiculous, so I'm going to end that.

Right now I'm listening to Rachael Sage...one of the cds I bought about 6 months ago but rarely every listened to. I really like her. And that's why I bought the cd, but it often happens that I lost interest in a person temporarily. Only famous people though. I don't lose interest in people that I actually know, just to clarify.

Anyway. I don't want to repeat what I already wrote in my livejournal, that would be silly.

As I said a while ago, I am definitely getting in my own way a great deal right now. I'm letting certain fears and motivations run my life. And I need to work on that.

A friend of mine invited me to a party on Friday. I've never been invited to a party where I didn't know just about everyone that was going to be there. So, I'm going to try my best to convince myself to go. I'm so socially timid. I'll be incredibly nervous, and awkward, and uncomfortable, but nevertheless, I think it is a good thing for me to do. I need to get out and spend some time with some different people. However...this doesn't mean I'm definitely going to try to go. I won't go if I feel like it's just going to be drinking. That's not something I am at all interested in. It depends on the nature of the situation. Pondering will take place all week.

I need to make some more friends that are as selfless as I am. Latey my slogan has been "My life is not my own." I don't think about myself that much. I don't live inside my head that often. I'm constantly concerned with other people's lives, more so than I'm concerned with my own. I think this is the reason I'm so into the livejournal interaction, the incessant commenting, AIM messages, etc etc etc. I'm working my way into other people's lives, being there. I think that other people don't do that because they're lives are their own. They live inside their spheres and are fairly content there, taking care of themselves. Most of the friends I have right now are very self-involved. Either that, or they are entirely involved in someone or something else, leaving me out. I don't feel as lonely as I did a little while ago, and I'm not suffering too much from the selfishness, but I want to find some people here that are more like me. I have several friends whose lives are very much mine as well as theirs and many other people's, but none of them are in close enough proximity to me to really be there.

An alternative to this, and probably the right alternative is that I should probably learn to take care of myself a bit more. I should learn to be a little bit selfish from time to time because chances are good that nobody is going to be as good to me as they are to themselves. Selflessness can be self-deprecating in some ways.

But I don't believe that. I can't believe that, at least not right now. I feel that I'm never going to learn to take care of myself first. Because that's not how I am. It's a step-by-step process. The first step is recognizing that it's okay to put myself first sometimes. And I haven't gotten there yet.

I really would like therapy some day. I feel like I have to work on.