Disoriented with life
Wednesday, Oct. 23, 2002 21:13

I've been having a completely unreal day. First, the idea that I woke up in Tiff's dorm room this morning and am now sitting here in my own is a little hard to swallow. The last two days have been very long. And the mixing of my two lives has really had an odd effect on me.

I was walking across campus today and I had to think twice about whether or not it was really my life that I'm living. I really don't feel like I'm a part of my life right now. I feel like my entire identity is strange, and that maybe even I am a stranger. Things are weird and different now. It's not like in high school when I knew who and what I was and who I love and who loved me. It has become much more complicated now, and a heck of a lot scarier.

Do you ever have those moments when you do a double take because it suddenly occurs to you what this life really is. That's it's just this crazy dreamed-up scenario....that we just wander around, that we're all just one person, and yet, why is that? Why is me actually me at all? And why can't I experience life through anyone else's eyes. It's so strange. I am this person. And yet...I'm not the most familiar person to me. I don't even know what i look like walking down the street. I don't know how I appear to a person I've just met. I can't judge myself objectively.

It's so crazy...I'm having a hard time understanding. Why is it like this? I feel like I'm better equipped to be somebody else, someone that I know really well. I don't know myself. It's like I'm living in the body of a stranger.

And the way I feel is the way I feel and even that changes from moment to moment.

Lately it's been strange. It's like I've had no memory of what my life has been like. But then I look back, and I remember, it's just something else that's confusing me. It's like I don't know what the important is. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm in this strange land that I don't belong to, surrounded by people that don't really love me at all.

And then I go home and that's different too. And then I spend time with Tiff and Aaron and I feel really good about that. And I wake up in a strange dorm room, for the very first time, and I don't even feel anxious, or the slightest bit nauseous. (this is a massive step for me)

What do I like? What makes me who I am? What is it? Who the hell am I?

I don't know if this is just because I'm tired and disoriented, but I'm in such a lost and confused state. Somebody please take me aside and make me remember what this is all about, because I swear that I used to at least think that I knew.

I want to meet someone magical! It's been a long time. Years, in fact. And I'm not that old, so years are a long time.