I come with an instruction manual
Monday, Oct. 28, 2002 18:56

I think I want to be home. I want to get in my car and drive to the Maine Mall and the old port and USM and flagship and TJ Maxx and Land's End and Turkey Lane.

I feel like everyone's closing their doors on me today. I mean that literally and figuratively. When there are people here to hang out with me, they close their doors and have other things to do. When I want to talk to someone online, they're not there. And when they want to talk to me, I don't feel like it anyway.

I feel really alone. I've been questioning my friends a lot lately...wondering who in my life I have that are real friends, and who is not. I used to have so many good friends. And now I just don't. I'm not going to count, and come up with a detailed report of who I have and who I don't. But a rough estimate shows that I have many less than I'd like to have.

I got a letter from Amanda Topping today. It has been a while since I have given her much thought, and that isn't fair. If I had a cell phone I'd call her. But I don't. So I'm not going to. Instead, I'm going to try to put together something meaningful for her, and send it along. It was a really depressing letter. And I feel really bad about not knowing what's going on. It's really frustrating. I am vying for the attention of certain people while others are vying for mine. Why am I like this?

I got an email from Maggie today. That was good. I miss her. I really miss her. I want to go to Northfield. Ideally, I'd want Rita to pick me up on her way out some weekend. That would be amazing. But I guess their visits are probably pretty sacred.

I am beginning to think I should come with a guide book. There are certain things I think people should know about me. Because I'm not willing to tell them. There would be little hints, giving clues on what to do in every situation. Because I can be complicated. And I want people to know, but I don't want to have to tell them. I fear that they never will know though, unless I tell them. Here are some examples:

*If Emily signs off the internet (while she's at school), then it's probably because she's in pretty bad shape, and can't even conceive of an appropriate away message.

*If Emily tells you that she feels crappy (emotionally), it's probably pretty serious, even if she doesn't make it seem like it is.

*If Emily tells you that she misses you (or someone else), she's probably having a really hard time living without you at that particular moment.

*If Emily feels homesick, then give her a hug, for pete's sake

*It is the times when Emily is oddly quiet that she probably wants to talk to most

*But she wants you to pry things out of her

*Emily craves physical affection, that's why she touches you, pats you on the head, shoulder, etc. TOUCH HER BACK!

*If you read Emily's online diary, then sign her freaking guestbook. It helps her feel validated. Otherwise she's all alone in cyber space rambling neurotically.

*Emily cares more about you than herself. If she's having a bad day, she won't burden you with it unless you make her feel like you really want to know.

Okay, well I think that's about enough to bore the hell out of a bunch of you.