Jackson
Monday, Nov. 18, 2002 14:32

I had a terrible dream last night that really made me think. It was about my brother. In the dream he had some terrible stomach ulcers or something, and he was in excruciating paid. He was dying. And my mom made the decision to "put him to sleep."

I cried unbelievably hard. I couldn't stop crying. It was incredibly vivid. I was so angry because a) he was being treated like a dog, and they weren't even trying to save him, and b) because everyone was going along with their lives while my big brother was dead. Althea was having a yard sale. I drove by her house (which wasn't really her house) and she beckoned to me to come over. She told me that they were selling part of the high school for 39.98 and that she had bough a part for me, so that I'd always own a part of my alma mater. She wanted the money for it. And I was screaming about my brother, and didn't she care?

Ther was another odd twist that I"m hesitant to even mention, because you'll laugh, but in the dream it wasn't funny. Apparently there was this serial rapist, targetting males. And after my brother died, I found out that he had been anally raped. The rapist had also used electric probes. My mother offered this as an explanation for why my brother was so silent and sullen.

It was disturbing. I blamed myself in many ways. I started to think about him. And it was so surreal. I had so many regrets about how little I got to know about him.

And it's all true...all of the things I felt, not that he is dead. I sometimes forget that I have a brother. I sometimes don't think of him when I think about my family. Many people I meet don't even know that I have a brother. He is such a miniscule part of my life these days, and that makes me so sad. My brother is a terrific person, and I have infinite respect for him. But...I want to know more. I want to feel more. I wish he'd love me and talk to me and treat me like I was his sister. He's the typical male coming from our family, and I wish it wasn't true. It's really really upsetting. I don't think people understand how completely absent my relationship is with my brother.

My memories are all that I have of him, and yet, they're not that significant. I haven't seen him or talked to him in so long now. I miss him so much...and yet, I don't even know what it is that I'm missing. I just don't know what to do. I don't feel like this is something that I can change, but I fear that I'm really missing out on something, and that if I don't get it soon, it could be permanently damaging. Does he know this? Does he even think about me?

It's really painful. I just want a brother.... :-( I just want to be good enough to enter his life once in a while.

Jackson never understood me. We always fought. And I often wonder what he thinks of me at this point in my life. We couldn't be more different. And I understand why we're not close, but siblings are the only people who can share the bond of siblings. I feel like we're both missing out on alot right now.