What the fuck am I doing?
Sunday, Dec. 01, 2002 12:52

oooh, I don't feel good, in any sense of the word. I'm so incredibly bored. And being home for short periods of time like this makes me feel pretty depressed. I feel so temporary. I hate it. Plus, I am trying to hard to cling to my past, and I just can't do that. I can't cling to people that no longer want to cling to me. And they certainly don't.

I just keep reminding myself of the way things used to be, and how now I feel like my life is one giant pile of shit. I have happiness that strikes me once in a while, but there's no stability. I don't feel like there's anyone in Boston that loves me or cares about me. There are people that I love, that I care about very much, but it's different. I get the distinct impression that I'm just putting myself out there to eventually be forgotten in the end. And that is not a good feeling at all. And isn't college supposed to be where you make your best friends?

I think I made a mistake sometimes. I think I'd be happier at another school. My reasons for choosing Northeastern, and for choosing to stay there after some rough spots last year are not holding up. And once again I'm listening to my friends talk about their schools, and how wonderful everything seems to be. And I think I messed up. And I think about transferring, but I don't know where I'd go, or why, or how to start looking. And besides... if the majority of my problems are based on lack of love, support, socially-based constructs, then what would transferring do for me? I'm still stupid old me who sucks at having a social life.

I don't know what to do right now. I'm sitting at home at the computer because I don't have anything else to do... nothing else that I'm willing to do. My dad is home, and I hate him. And that's depressing me. I'm jealous of nearly everyone I know. And I sit here feeling hopeless, and pretending not to be because I'm too scared to do anything about it. I'm quite lost at the moment.

And my nose is stuffed up. And I hate it. I just want to cry about life right now, but it's not like it would do any good. My nose would just get worse, and I'd have to hide from my family because I can't stand to be seen crying.

I didn't get to see Tiff this weekend because she is sick. But she's giving me a ride to the bus station. That is good. I could have used some time with Tiff... one of the few true friends I have left. I also could have used a ride back to Boston. My parents have never transported me to and from school except when I was moving in or out and when they were already heading in that direction. I wish they would. arg.

I'm so lost... I don't want to go back to Boston, knowing that there's nothing there for me anymore, and that we all (in the apartment) virtually hate each other. I can't deal with that sometimes. And not when I'm feeling emotionally fragile. But... I don't want to stay here, because there's nothing here for me anymore either. And I want to run and cry to someone... but that someone doesn't exist for me yet. And if she doesn't show herself relatively soon, my hopelessness is going to reach new levels.

Oh yeah, and Linda's engaged.