Don't Fucking leave me!!!
Wednesday, Dec. 04, 2002 11:11

I just suddenly got teary. Lauren and Beck are leaving in a while and I don't want them too. My life sucks enough when I have Lauren to keep me company all the time. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do for a week without her. I'm starting to become really messy, sitting here in my bathrobe. I woke up feeling so anxious. I was supposed to meet an online friend of mine today, but she had to cancel. That should be taking the stress away.. but now all I can think about is being here, and not wanting to be, and Lauren leaving, and my complete and utter hopelessness.

I'm starting to gain small amounts of hope though. I'm seriously looking at other schools. I'm going to TRY to do some visiting and some applying and see where it goes from there. The visiting is going be the hard part, since I'm in school right now, and Christmas breaks are coming up, and blah. Plus, I don't have a good mode of transportation. Someone want to lend me a car? Lauren and I are talking about visiting Smith and Wesleyan. Two very different schools than NU. And thank heavens for that.

But... as exciting as this made my yesterday, late last night, it started to make me feel pretty nervous. Recommendations... essays... blech.

And I don't know... I know that this next week isn't going to be so bad. I do have things to do. I have a LOT of studying to do. I'm going to Melissa Ferrick on Friday. Megan's coming over Saturday. But yet... it's still just not enough.

And I'm wicked lonely. I don't need to be reminded of how lonely I am by the fact that I won't even have anyone to hang out with. Why do I have so few friends?? What the fuck is WRONG with me? arg.

And this leads me to wonder if transferring would even matter. And a part of me thinks it won't. But a part of me thinks it will. Because NU has no real communities. And smaller schools tend to. So. I'm going to try.

Oooh. I am so unhappy. I don't want to be here. But Looking at here versus home, I choose here. I guess that's a good sign. It isn't homesickness.

There's so much pain associated with home for me right now. I need to get past this.

Christine (an online friend) suggested that I should date. If only she KNEW how much I want that. But all I can find are reasons why I can't... things that are wrong with me... and ever-mounting list of people that make it clear that I'm not wanted.

rrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!