unmanageable intensity
Sunday, Dec. 08, 2002 21:52

I feel that I need to chronicle the last 36 hours. They have been intensely emotional, and incredibly difficult to deal with. When I say hard to deal with, I mean it. A few hours ago, I was wishing for alcohol, drugs, something to put myself at rest with. I was beginning to think my life wasn't even worth it anymore. I couldn't move, or talk. I turned out all the lights, and I layed face down on my bed. I sat in the window sill. And I cried.

Yesterday at noon, I met up with Kim. We walked around for a few minutes, hopped on the T and went to Trident on Newbury St. I had this amazing Cesar salad. And then we wandered down Newbury, finding ourselves at Boston Common. We walked through the common twice, and then I took her to So. Station, bought a bus ticket for her (because I had ID and she didn't... she paid) and wished her goodbye. On the way home, I revelled. I saw a woman carrying a cat, and giggled out loud. There was a man playing Christmas carols on a recorder, and I covered by mouth to stop from letting out some sort of embarassing sound. I thought about Kim and how amazing it was to walk around and talk to her, about how much I look forward to spending more time with her, about how shitty the timing is for us to finally be spending time together. I thought about her eyes, and how piercing they were, and her voice and how sweet and kind she is. I thought about hugging her, and about how good she smelled. And it was this emotional elevation that I hadn't been to in a very long time. Just thinking about it.

She made my day... my week.

But last night, I got all stressed out. I was so incredibly anxious. I watched "The Shipping News" with Meghan and it made me feel ill. Everything makes me ill when I'm nervous. I couldn't relax. My chest was tight, and I was so on edge. I went to bed at midnight. I woke up at 3. From then on, I think I slept about 3 hours, if that.

I got out of bed around 8 or 9 and was thinking about Kim coming over to watch "Lilo and Stitch" and about the two finals that I have tomorrow. I still couldn't relax. I talked to a couple people about my intense anxiety. I tried to take their advice, but it wasn't really helping.

I finally talked to Kim at about 2:30. At 3, she said she'd call soon. And she never called. At 6 I was pretty angry about it, thinking I'd been forgotten, blown off. But when 7... 8... 9... came around, I was incredibly worried. I kept coming up with scenarios of what could have happened to her. But there was nothing I could do, because I don't have her number. That's when the brunt of my breakdown occurred. A girl can't go from just about the happiest she's ever been to the most worried (about multiple things, mind you) in such a short period of time. She starts to crumble. And I did. I thought I was going to have a heart attack. My heart hasn't let up all day... well, not until now. I've felt it there, pounding, aching, laboring. I was just a wreck.

I ended up lying down on the couch in the living room watching Christmas specials, with the sounds on my computer turned up, and buddy alerts for anyone that I thought might be able to help me out.

I heard the "moo" come from the computer, and I ran in to check, and Kim imed me.

After that I just needed a few minutes, to recuperate. But now I'm doing ok. I'm just waiting to be sure that she is doing okay. However, I feel that I can at least relax knowing that she's home, and safe, I would assume, and that she didn't purposely blow me off.

Now all I have are the finals. And I can handle that. *phew* School has always been my thing, right?

One thing at a time. I don't even want to think about the end of this week yet. One thing at a time.

Interpret my little breakdown as you wish. I have my own ideas, that I'd rather not share publicly.