Some more pointless "why"s
Monday, Dec. 09, 2002 22:13

I decided I didn't want to be online anymore. And I don't... not to talk to people. I'm just tired. Tired of typing and waiting, typing and waiting, bumping into people, waiting, wishing, trying to interpret. I really do want to talk to someone. But I want it to be in person, or at least on the phone. AIM is sickening me right now.

It's really sad how the world works. The people that I least want to disappoint me are the people that have always disappointed me the most, with the exception of my mother. And there are so many people out there that never have, and never would disappoint me, EVER. But I can't seem to see past those others that hurt me. And I wonder what causes this. Is it that I'm more vulnerable to the people I want to be there for me the most, and that it takes less to disappoint me? Or is it that I'm drawn to people and situations that will inevitably hurt me.

I got thinking about this topic because of Noah. Noah and I spoke very briefly this morning. He said we'd talk later tonight. But I knew that we wouldn't. He said we'd make plans for xmas break, but I know that we won't. And I've come to accept this. I cannot trust a word out of his mouth, ESPECIALLY when it deals with plans. He never devoted more than 5 minutes to me in a single day. I wonder if he's capable sometimes. I do love the boy, but man... I never deserved what he put me through over the years.

And then I was thinking about others that have done this to me in the past, and of those that have the potential of doing so in the future. And of those who are there, all the time, no matter what. And how little appreciation I have for them, in all of their splendor.

So if you are one of those people, and I haven't been appreciative... I'm wicked sorry, and I just don't know why.

Another pet peeve of the moment: what the fuck is up with people who have no concept of whether or not a person is upset. Arg. Get a fucking clue! And I'm not exactly being cryptic about the way I feel here...

I'm stressed. Highly and overly stressed. And I don't want to go home. Everyone keeps telling me that I'll feel better with this whole vacation thing. I'm skeptical. I'm QUITE skeptical.

Oh no. I just had a moment of panic. I'm bring my computer to be fixed Wednesday. I think I'll die if I lose my hard drive again. Oh no. Lala! Why aren't you here to save my hard drive for me! :-(

Okay. yeah. I'm crashing. Sooo tired.