I'm out
Monday, Dec. 16, 2002 20:15

So today definitely had its ups and downs. But here it is on an up. I'm sitting in the computer room, typing, listening to Alanis. Yay! I heart Alanis.

When I got up today I was in a good mood. I was fairly rested, and looking forward to having a day off from work. I took a bath and shaved. I hate shaving. But sometimes it's good to do. It makes me feel clean. It had been a long fucking time. I just hadn't had a reason. But today was a body day. I sat around in a towel for a while. I lotioned myself all over. And I was pretty okay with myself. I was feeling more confident than I had in quite a while.

But last night I had this bothersome dream. I dreamed that I was taking a shower with Kim... but it wasn't Kim's body. It was Kim in Lauren's Kim's body... and then it morphed to this girl at work. And I was so upset that it wasn't my Kim. I never saw anyone naked. But they saw me, I think. And I was really self-conscious about it, and really uncomfortable. And that was pretty much all there was to it. But it bothered me, because I dont' understand why I dreamed that (any dream analysts out there reading?). So I told Kim. And I felt really bad about it... and I'm not sure what's going on in my head. I have issues with nakedness, and body image and sex and blah... because I've been lead to believe destructive things, based on past physical intimacy (or lack there of, as the case may be).

So yeah. That was a bit stressful for me.

And then I had to go shopping. And I didn't have much luck with that. I got a couple pairs of pants. But I'm not thrilled with them. They're ok. They will do. But I'm picky about the way clothes fit me. I always have been.

As far as Christmas goes... I am not doing well. I can't think of very many good ideas for people. And I don't have the money to spend. So it's looking like a large majority of people are going to get little cute cheap and hopefully meaningful things. I do have some ideas.

and THEN, the biggest part of my day... I had "the talk" with my dad. Yep, folks, I'm out. *phew* I was scared and nervous, and I was surprised that I didnt' chicken out. But I didn't. And I didn't go about it the best way, but I still did it. I used Kim to come out... I told him about us. And he said "well, I kind of figured that out..."

I was expecting a lot of silence... maybe some surprise, maybe some poorly planned reactions. But I didn't get any of the above. I got a hug, where he allowed me to bury myself in his shoulder. I got reassurance, and love, and well-wishing for my future. I got understanding. And I am so incredibly pleased.

I never expected him to disapprove... but my dad isn't good at expressing himself. And he says stupid things a lot, without thinking. I was prepared. And he surprised me. He asked me a few questions. And I answered them willing. Then he told me a few stories, and everything was okay... no awkwardness, no discomfort.

I love my dad.

... and that is HUGE for me.

I feel closer to him than I have ever been. And I couldn't be more thankful. My life is just so good right now. What more could a girl ask for?

Everything will come in time. I am optimistic. I'm not worried. And I'm pretty content with the way things are.

And I just want to say, to the general public, to the world: THANK YOU.