Life right now
Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2003 13:30

So I'm not sure what to say as a general statement about my life at this point. Generally I start with the general and move out from there. But right now in the pit of my stomach, I feel pretty achey. And I know that that isn't how life is right now, so I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression. I don't want anyone to think that I'm not happy.

Yesterday was a stressful day with a good finish. I spent the day pretty stressed out. Kimi and I are dealing with some stuff. Some issues. And I was feeling bad about that. I never realized how little of what comes into my head I actually say. I never realized that I don't tell people what I'm thinking or feeling. Or... maybe I knew that I don't, but I didn't realize that when it became necessary, or when I ascended into a place where I could feel comfortable doing so, I still wouldn't. And Kim hates it. And I don't blame her. Because there are so many things that I want to say to her, and express to her that I don't know how to say. I'm new at this, and it's really hard for me sometimes. But I'm not making excuses. There are no excuses. I just wish this was something I could change overnight, because I hate sitting here knowing that she deserves so much more than I'm giving her, and knowing how that must feel for her. And I can't even be there with her. I'm stuck wandering around campus all day with her in my mind, and I can't even look into her face for comfort. So that was stressing me out, and making me ache.

But as it always does, talking to her, and to Lauren and to Theresa made me feel much better. I stayed up until 2:30, at which point I couldn't keep my eyes open. I had to Kick Lauren off my bed, because I needed to just let myself fall. But I had some good conversations with some excellent people. People were making me really happy. Theresa was asking me about sex. She's the first person to come out and ask. Leave it to T, right? :-) La was talking about her hos in different area codes (what else is new?) and with Kim... it doesn't even matter what we talk about... because her words are enough on their own. Because they come from her.

So I went to bed, finally, and got up at 11 this morning. It's like I'm pre-programmed to get up at 11. I spring out of bed. There are certain situations (especialy lately) which have changed my sleeping habits, but in general, I'm the same old me with the same old sleeping. I did wake up around 6 feeling kinda sick though. Uff. My body wasn't happy with me yesterday or last night. I'm thinking pms... perhaps. I'm hoping not though. This would be a good opportunity for my body to fuck up and skip a month, as it tends to do so very often.

So today I'm missing Kimi a lot. She is coming this weekend. The day keeps changing. First she wasn't coming until Sunday. Then it was Thursday. Now it looks like Friday night is the verdict. And that's fine. Because it's about school. And school is school. I can't be resentful of something that is important, right? Yeah... then why do I feel like this is a slap in the face, nonetheless? I just wish she was here.

ALSO on Friday, I'm apparently going to get to meet Kevin Spacey. He has a new movie out. There's a pre-screening of it here at NU on Friday, and he's going to be here to answer questions. How sweet is that?? And it will be good to have something to fill up my afternoon while I wait for my girl to get here.

AND, today means two good things. First- Blue Crush is out on video. Maybe we'll go rent it. And then I can buy it for $10. I'm torn. I want to wait and watch it with Kim. And she wants to watch it with me. (she PROMISED not to make fun of it) But maybe I'll rent it today, and then buy it before she comes. I'm not sure if I can do that. Or if I have to wait until they have previously viewed copies for sale? hm. But anyway. For those of you who don't understand the emotional attachment I have to this movie, read about it.

Good thing number two is real world. hell yah! We missed it last week, so we have two episodes to watch tonight. Should be tons of fun.

Ok. Well I hope that entry satiates all of you. I'll try to come back more often.