Unveiling
Tuesday, Jan. 21, 2003 00:30

I'm debating about actually posting this. I don't know what I want to do. I don't know if writing will help or not. I want it to. But there's nothing that expressing myself can help. There's nothing about this situation that can be talked out.

Part of me needs to post this to get it out... so reach out my hands and hope that somebody takes them.

Part of me doesn't want to post this, because I don't want the whole world to know my business, because I'm making myself really vulnerable, because I'm opening myself up to thoughts that I don't want to hear.

But then I remember who reads this, and I remember that nobody will even respond. Nobody will bring it up.

And I think that's even worse. Because I hate making myself vulnerable and not getting anything in return. That's the ultimate vulnerability. And yes, I know, I have no fucking right to talk. So before you argue with me, realize that I know that this is something that I do.

So.

I'm sitting at the computer. Kimi is sleeping in my bed. And I'm not tired. And I can't sleep. because I'm upset. And I don't know what to do.

Kimi and I have been sleeping together for... hm... 3 weeks? Something like that. She's the first person I've slept with. She's the first person with whom I've gotten to the point where I was comfortable being touched... practically in any capacity. And to me, it's been mostly amazing. And I've been loving this growing feeling of closeness and comfort that I get from her. And I've been loving the way it feels to be touched.

But I can't let go. I've never had an orgasm... not in my entire life. And until Kimi... I'd never really experienced ANY sexual pleasure. Turned on... horny... hot... sure. But never anything more than that. Nothing more than the desire.

And I have always had insecurities about my body, and about my abilities, and about all of these other little things that I thought could get in the way of my sex life. And I'm uptight, and anxious and a control freak. So I always used to worry about this exact thing happening... and now I'm there.

And I have this amazing girlfriend that I've fallen in love with so quickly... and she's everything I want. She's everything to me. And I feel her so intensely... yet... I can't let go. I can't get to that next level. I can't feel what both of us want the most.

And it hurts her. And that hurts me. Because how could I not want to give her everything? I want to surrender myself to her. But there's this part of me that isn't letting me. And then she feels like it's her fault. And then she begins to doubt my attraction and feelings for her.

And I worry. Because if I can't let go with her... then what does that say about my future? If not with her, then when? And I know that a lot of it has to do with myself, and my own issues, but I don't know how to change this. I don't know what to do about it. And I'm so frustrated because it's a big deal in our relationship, and yet, I feel like there's nothing I can do. Or nothing that I know how to do.

I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't know what I need. I don't know what would make it better. Maybe it takes more time? Maybe... so many things.

And then she says things like "maybe it's not meant to be with me" and it breaks my heart. Because she's right in saying that she can't be with someone that she can't please in that way. And she's right in being frustrated and upset. But I love her... and I don't want to even try to wrap my mind about the reasons.

I don't want to even try to find out what's wrong, because I fear that it will cause even more problems. I fear that I'll get more upset, and more frustrated and have to deal with a whole lot more than I would have had to originally.

And hiding in the shadows isn't the right answer. And it's not fair to anyone.

But I can't help thinking that maybe if I sit here for a bit, it will fix itself. And Kimi will be okay with it... she's not going anywhere. But I hate wondering how much it's bothering her. Or knowing that it's bothering her. Or being worried about making love because I don't want it to be a disappointment. And of course, it all leads to more worrying and more thinking.... which then equals even less chance of me relaxing and letting go.

So. More than anything... I need to hear from people on this. I want to hear it. I feel like I've put myself out here. And maybe I'm just being too sensitive and private, but yeah. Soo... if you can't offer any useful thoughts, then don't. Please don't. But if you feel like you can offer some knowledge or experience that might help me out, then do. Don't just sit there quietly.

k

Maybe I'll get to sleep sometime soon.