Cupcake?
Thursday, Jan. 23, 2003 11:42

I'm not writing because I feel like writing. I'm writing because I feel like I should be writing. And everytime I sit down to write, I tell myself that I won't do it. Because that isn't the point. And what is the point of having a journal that I write in because I feel like I should? There is no point. But. It's gotten to the point where writing or not writing is on my mind, in itself. And I feel badly enough about it to just do it. And forget it. Plus, there is also the idea that maybe if I start writing, I will want to write more, and then it will become more natural.

Hm. Too much thinking. Far too much.

La hung out in my room for quite a while, until we both got too tired to stay up. We talked a lot. And one of the things we talked about was the treatment of emotional and mood disorders, and anxiety. Somedays I wish I had something I could take... I wish I could just pop a valium and then go about my day without thinking so much. I recently learned in Psychobio about anxiety and about valium. Anxiety comes from overactive neurons, an overactive nervous system. And valium stops your neurons from firing, it slows you down, it makes your functioning slow to a basic level. Sometimes I think that would be such a good thing... taking a vacation from my thoughts. Because I know that so many of them are unnecessary and just cause me unnecessary grief.

But I don't need it. I don't need to be medicated, because I'm living my life normally. I go to class, I have friends, I have everything I need, and my occasional freak-outs and debilitating anxiety are not, for the most part, interfering with my life, or with the way I want to be living. I don't have the barriers that I'd need to have to be classified as in need of medication. I don't even have panic attacks... and... I don't know. It's hard for me to think about it right now, because I'm not feeling anxious. I can sit here now and say that other people have it much worse than I do, and that I shouldn't even complain. But when I'm in the midst of anxiety... whew. I get it bad. I can't sleep, or eat, or calm down, or remember to just breathe. And it goes on for weeks at a time sometimes. But it always goes away. And I'm always fine.

Anyway.

We also talked about thoughtfulness and doing things for the people that we love. It makes me wonder what happened to me. I used to be so thoughtful. And now... I don't know. I can never think of anything unique and special and appropriate to do for anyone. I feel like my "sweetness" is wearing off. It reminds me of back in high school when Aaron used to call me "Cupcake." I loved that... I loved having my own little nickname like that, knowing that he thought of me that way. I remember when that nickname died, I was crushed. We had a fight. And I got really really angry, and really upset. And I was honest with him the whole time. And I said some things to him that surprised him. And it changed his view of me entirely. And nothing has been the same since then. He doesn't understand me. And I think the things he thinks he understands are wrong. We fight. And he doesn't think I'm sweet anymore. And that's not what this is about... because what one person thinks, let alone someone I don't get along with well, doesn't matter so much. It's just an example. I just feel like I'm sort of losing my grip sometimes. I feel like I'm becoming less thoughtful, less caring. I care so much about the people that I'm close to... but I get distracted a lot more easily than I used to. And I forget more than I used to. And I don't balance things as well as I used to. I used to be so perfectly organized... I had all my time planned... I was fair and loving and sweet, and had it all under control.

The past year has been crazy... and it's so strange to look back at the way life used to be. I feel like things keep shifting. And that's ok. But when I start becoming too careless, or when I can't express myself anymore, then I know that there's something inside me that I need to work on. And I want to work on it so badly. Because I don't know what changed. But it did.

I don't know. Maybe I'm expecting too much from myself. Maybe my priorities are just different now. Maybe I have more to think about and more to consider and I can't expect my life to be as simple as it was in high school. Maybe my mind is just too occupied. Uff. I don't know though... I don't want to make excuses. But I don't want to be too hard on myself. It's hard to be objective. Because I can't even see how I'm acting, or if I'm reaching enough, or what people are feeling from me.

hrm.

So... see? I guess I did have things to say. Good.