Don't let me be a fuck
Monday, Jan. 27, 2003 13:29

I am not having a particularly good day. I have a headache. I just took some acetaminophen, but it tends to take several years to kick in, so I'm trying to occupy myself with this for a bit. I want to do some reflecting on my weekend.

So... this morning Kimi left. And that sucks. Because I know that it's going to be quite a while before I will see her again. And I feel like I was a complete ass this weekend. And I feel like things could have been so much better.

I had myself a little freak-out one night. I had spent the day with Kimi and La shopping. And i hate shopping. And I had a little fight with myself over whether or not to buy this shampoo/body wash stuff. And I got frustrated about that. And while we were out I got my period. And I drank for the first time, and I... I don't know what other factors I can use to explain this... but I don't know. It was a whole combination of things and hormones and craziness, but I got wicked upset. I felt like my whole inside was irritated, that I just wanted to whine and beg for attention, like I was a child. And I couldn't even handle the fact that Kim wanted to go to bed, because I felt like I needed her attention. I ended up crying while she held onto me and I tried to tell her what I was needing and wanting.

Sometimes I confuse even myself. I hate when I get like that. Because I feel like I'm losing my composure, that I can't control myself. And I know that I'm better than that. So my frustration with myself just makes the entire situation worse. I hate it. And a lot of the time, I dont' know how to express myself. And I don't know what is making me feel so bad. Or maybe I know, but I can't understand why it's hurting me that much... because it's so ridiculous. And I am afraid to say it and sound stupid... or I'm afraid that I won't get the reaction that I'm looking for. But whatever the reason, I can't explain it. And then whomever I'm with gets frustrated... and they pull away from me. And that makes it a hundred times worse, because all I want is for someone to reach out for me.

I hate it when people get angry and frustrated with me. So that's the secret to getting what you want with me. Get angry. And if you're someone that I care about, and someone that I dont' want to be angry with me, I'll give you whatever you want. I'll crawl along on my knees and beg you not to be upset with me. I'll give you whatever you want. I'll change whatever I'm doing to pacify you.

And that isn't the way it should be, but that's how it is. Feeling like I've angered someone that I love is the worst feeling. And I'm somehow conditioned to automatically assume that it's my fault and take the blame. I have it ingrained into me... when someone gets angry with me, it's my fault. And it's something I need to fix.

I wonder where this came from, and why it hurts me so deeply. I haven't had a lot of experience with people being angry with me. My mom is so mild, and I am the same way, so we don't get angry with each other. I'm not used to being around highly volatile people, so sometimes I don't know how to take it. And I take everything personally as it is. And when someone gets angry with me... I panic. Even when it's something that will go away on its own.

Because that's not how anger is for me. It takes a LOT to make me angry. And when I get angry, you better believe that it's well thought out, and that there's a lot of rational arguments behind it. You have to really fuck with me for me to become angry. So I don't really understand it when people get so angered so easily. And I assume it's like when I'm angry, but it's not.

But what was the point of this? I'm supsersensitive. I'm INCREDIBLY sensitive.

"So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive, and I'd like to stay that way"

And the other night, I was selfish. And yesterday I was selfish. And I hated it. Kimi's words... they pierced me "You can be so selfish sometimes." And she was so right. And I got really upset with myself for that. Because I'm such an ass sometimes. And my biggest fear is of being selfish, and then I go and have these little needy freak-out moments. And I get angry because someone wants to watch tv and not spend every waking moment looking at me. Soo... fuck me. Don't let me be stupid. Don't let me get away with this shit. Tell me I'm being an ass. And tell me to fuck off. And I'll sulk for a while, but I'll get over it.

I don't want to be seen as a complete ass. I hate it. I haaate the way I am being right now. I hate how needy I am... how much I'm craving attention... how I can't stand anything.

And I hate my body. Because I don't understand any of this. Thank god for psychobio... all shall be revealed in time. Perhaps the only plus to taking this class.

And speaking of said class, I have it soon, so I need to go shower. I think my headache is mostly gone. We'll see what happens when I get up.