Productivity
Monday, Feb. 03, 2003 16:55

I opened this page almost an hour ago to update, and then I forgot about it. I just sorta rearranged some of my stuff. It's still not done to the extent that I'd like it to be, but I do feel better about the way my desk looks. I had my printer on my desk, and that was taking up space, collecting dust and looking ugly. So, I put it on the floor under my desk, and filled in the voids with picture frames and other fun things. yay!

Today is a nicely productive day. I'm in a good mood. Maybe I'll get some homework done too. That would be a wicked good thing for me to do, since I'm generally such a slacker. La is going to spend the rest of her life doing homework, so I might as well join her, right?

I worked really hard on creating the decorations for my room over the years, and now as I look around, I'm realizing that it's time for some changes. The things that I have around dont' necessarily accurately reflect me anymore. It's mostly pictures of people. And there are some pictures that don't belong anymore... but more than that... it's the fact that there are pictures that are missing. I don't have anything about my life here up... and that's unfortunate because my life here is pretty much everything to me lately. As I was explaining to my mom, it's an odd phenomenon... going from being all about home, and entirely based there, with bits of things here to being almost entirely based here with bits of things left there. Don't get me wrong, Maine is my home, and I love it. And I love my family and my friends there, but my focus has changed.

It's crazy to look at how things have changed in two years. Man... it's unbelievable. I've grown so much, and so has everyone else around me, all in their own unique directions. And there's still so much more to go. And I don't know where I'm gonna end up... I don't have a clue about any of it... but normally I'm okay with it.

Today I had a moment of panic, and I felt like I'm not doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I was sitting in Psychobio and everyone was talking about their classes and their co-ops and their research. And Becca's always talking about all the psych department stuff that she's involved with, and I'm just not. All I ever hear is "Get involved! apply for Psi chi! Do a directed study! Meet with advisors!" and I just wanna hide and get lost in the hugeness of NU. I like that I don't have to matter. Because all of that stuff scares and overwhelms me. But I have a feeling that I'm gonna be kicking myself later for not having the initiative to just do it. I am going to meet with my co-op advisor soon... mostly for financial aid reasons, but also because it will be good to talk to her about things so I can sort of prepare myself for what's coming up in the next couple years. I need to meet with an academic advisor... but yet another example of things I should have done and haven't... I dont' really have one. I have one that I can meet with, obviously... but I haven't had a track record of doing so. I hate the advising here. It sucks. Everyone hates it. Nobody knows what they're talking about at all. BUT, I don't wanna fuck anything up. Plus, it's getting late to register for spring classes, and while I've already registered, I'd really like to change my schedule. I do nooot wanna have a class at noon on Friday. Man does that suck. Why did I do that again? Oh yeah... because back then I had no life and didn't give a shit. mmmm, nice one Em.

So anyway. That's my little stressful academic rant for the moment. I hate not knowing what I'm doing this summer. arrrrg. I dont' look far into the future... I don't have goals for my life... I don't see myself anywhere in 5 years... my brain doesn't conceive of such things... but I do start to get panicky if I don't know what I'm doing in my immediate future.

Soon we will find out about housing next year. This is an infinitely good thing. *sigh* one less thing to think about.

Okay... so this has had the opposite effect that it's supposed to. I'm far more stressed now than I was at the beginning. So I'm gonna stop this now, before it gets worse.