Overcoming myself
Tuesday, Feb. 04, 2003 11:06

Okay, so I've been listening to all of this music that I had forgotten how much I love. Lately, music has consisted of what I've downloaded. It has been mostly new stuff... or at least stuff that's new to me. But right now I'm listening to Melissa Etheridge... yesterday counting crows and live. Who knows what will be next. It sucks that I have this relatively large cd collection, and yet I pretty much just listen to the stuff on my computer. But I should listen to what I want to listen to, and not listen to things because I think I should. But that's a distinction I've always had trouble with. There are so many things that I do because I feel like I have to, or at least should. And I have trouble doing things just because I want to.

An annoyance: Almost all of the cases for my melissa cds are broken. And "Yes I am" won't play in my computer for no apparent reason.

Pleasure for the day: Kimi made a post for me on livejournal last night. What a way to wake up.

I just arranged to interview this woman for my stats project. I bet she's wicked nice. She sounds wicked nice. But I'm scared... for a couple reasons. First, interviewing someone? eep! That's not a me thing to do. Even Kimi laughed, and said she couldn't picture it :-( maaan... I need some confidence. Someone tell me I can do this, ok? I'm so scared of people... man. I'm gonna be like throwing up nervous. (well, hopefully not literally throwing up... that would be gross). I'm gonna feel like such an ass asking her these canned questions. They're such shit... and I so don't give a damn. And I don't know how to phrase things, and I'm... I'm a social reject. yah. That about covers it.

The second reason is that she works in a hospital. And she does research, and has a nice little office and stuff, and I am fairly certain I'm not gonna have to see sick people... but it's the fact that it's a hospital, and the smell... and. maaan. Hospitals instantly evoke this incredible anxiety. Sometimes I get light-headed and I think I'm gonna pass out. Even when I go visit someone. It takes me probly 25 minutes to get used to being there. I sit there and say nothing. And I look at whomever it is and the IVs freak me out, and I can't handle it. And my mom asks me if I'm okay a hundred times, because she knows, and I'm sure she can see it in my face. The only exception has been when Adrianna and Rosalie were born... then I was fine. But maternity is soo different, and so friendly, and I had new babies to hold. But then again... if I can handle that situation because it's different, I can handle this one, because it too is different.

I have major issues. My damn fucking childhood. grr. Fuck my body! I hate it. I hate it with every fiber of my being most of the time. And people don't understand why... all it ever does is fuck me over. Right now I'm all broken out... and itchy... and at the moment I look like shit too, but I suppose that's mostly my fault. *sigh* Can't I trade myself in for something nicer? get an upgrade? Could it be customizable? hypoallergenic? man...

But anyway... the hospital thing worries me in other ways too. A lot of psych co-op jobs are in hospitals too. And I don't know how that would be. But as I was saying to my mom the other day, it might be my chance to get over this. Or see if I can get over it so I know what I'm capable of later in life.

*changing subject*

Last night Kimi and I were talking about stuff... about life.. about our lives. Because it occurred to me that we're apart indefinitely. This isn't just... ok, we'll do this, we'll hang in there because in x amount of time we'll be together. But I'm here in Boston for the next 2-3 years. And she's in school right now, and then maybe going into the coast guard, or whatever she decides to do. And I don't know when our paths are going to cross. And I said that. And she started talking about coming here, and going to school here (in Boston), or living with her dad, or getting an apartment with me and Lauren. And that's so good to think about. To think about being able to be with her all the time... to think about her being willing to do that... to think about how things are just gonna go with the flow, and we'll end up wherever we end up, but that we'll be together. I don't know what's going to happen. But I'll find out about housing for next year really soon, and then maybe I'll have a better idea. Hah... part of me wishes I don't get it. But I know that it's something that I can't give up... I can't give up being able to pay for my housing with a deferred loan, and having such a conveniant place to be.

But who knows? I've been doing a lot of things lately that I never thought I'd do.