Menthol for the whole world
Saturday, Feb. 15, 2003 15:10

First, let me just say that my throat has now been hurting for a week and I'm sick of it. Now, normally I know what you all would say... go to the fucking doctor... right. Well no. I'm not going. so shhhh.

I still haven't gone back and fixed my layout, so forgive me. Eventually there will be more links.

Lately things have been really rocky. I'm just really really cranky. My mood has been terrible. I've been sensitive and irritable and upset and negative. I get frustrated easily, especially about the fact that I am so fucking pissy. And everyone around me is the same way, so we're all getting stuck in this rut. It's painful. I just wanna be surrounded by some happiness. I feel like that would make a huge difference.

I had to go for a little walk this morning, because I was having the urge to cry and scream and break things. It was just this intense restlessness. And tiredness. I feel like I've been fighting for days, and it's wearing on me. I can't take anything. My outer skin has weakened to this thin little membrane that gets very easily irritated when the slightest little outside particle touches it.

I talked to my mom last night, and she was great. I found out the other day that I didn't get housing for next year. And that's really stressful for me, but she was so good about it, and told me not to worry and that everything would be okay. She does that... she lets me realize how blinded I can be sometimes, and how I forget about the things that matter. She reminds me that you just don't need to worry about some things. She's an amazing woman. I love her so infinitely. I don't think I've ever met someone with the perspective she has on life, and what really matters. She really amazes me.

So on my little walk this morning I was reminding myself of those things. This is life... and it's a huge thing... but then again, it's not. It's just life... and things will work themselves out. It's not the end of the world as long as I have what I have. And I have a whole collection of beautiful inalienable things and emotions and people that I'm not going to lose. And that's all that matters.

I just wish everyone would just relax and breathe and live.

And I just wish that I could be perfect... heh... well, not perfect. But I feel like I've been making a lot of mistakes. I feel like I keep doing the wrong thing... making the wrong choices. I feel like I keep making mistakes. I feel like so much of this pain around me, and htis frustration is my fault. And I hate it. I hate that I frustrate the people that I love. I can't deal with that. It upsets me so much. But I don't know if I can be better. Because I'm just me. So I should just let it go... and realize that if people find me irritating, then they should distance themselves, and if they don't distance themselves, then they must not want to... and then I needn't worry anyway.

...or should I be trying harder? Because I feel like I'm trying so hard, and fighting, and that I'm just going to burn out really quickly.

I'm sure that most of this is just the mood talking. I'm sure that it'll all work out.