The Burdens of being upright
Sunday, May. 25, 2003 03:21

So I'm going to bed tonight feeling rather bad about myself.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow... to seeing and possibly being ignored by my brother. To feeling inferior to my sister-in-law (completely my own little complex). To being tired because it's way too late for me to be going to bed if I hope to get a good night's sleep.

I just watched myself on video... ooh man. It's almost enough to make me never want to eat again. I don't think I've ever felt so upset with myself physically. But I'm thinking now maybe I should have been all along.

Oooh man.

Maybe all of my perceptions of myself are wrong.

There's me... comparing myself to you... being jealous... feeling like crap... and climbing into my bed.

I can't even say what I saw today... in myself, and in my memories and comparisons. I can't even bring myself to say.

And I'm trying to come up with an acceptable reason for why I'm even posting this, but fuck that. I'm posting it because I want to. And maybe it's because I want you to tell me I'm wrong. And maybe it's not. But it isn't like I'm going to believe you, or it's going to matter anyway.

I'll just go to bed, and tomorrow I'll wake up. And then I'll go out with my family. And then I'll come back.

Another week will begin... the last week of classes... and if I cross my fingers hard enough I might even get to see Noah on Tuesday. Then there's New Paltz, and getting a job, and moving, and finals, and working, and summer, and it's just life. And I'll just do it.

Oh man. I'm beginning to get a bit too depressing here.