Take me away from here
Tuesday, Jun. 17, 2003 08:38

I'm at work, which means it might be a little difficult for me to organize my thoughts to put them down here.

I no longer know what to do with myself. Honestly... no idea. I'm walking around from day to day with this horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like everything is wrong. And at any moment I'm going to lose the strength in my legs and just fall. Normally I can deal with upset. I can deal with it. I can just go curl up, lay down, sit at the computer, sit with my journal, find my place, and be there, with myself for a little while. But right now, I don't have a place to go. So instead of taking care of myself, I just try my hardest to keep myself busy.

You have no idea how many times during the day I want to collapse and cry and give up. And how many days has it been? Just since Saturday. And you don't have to tell me that things aren't so bad, or that they will get better. I know that. I know it. I know that I'm just a baby. That I'm just weak. That I just need to get over it. That my situation is what I make of it.

But when you go to work, excited about escaping the stress of your life, there's something wrong. Especially when your life consists of absolutely nothing outside of work that should or could be causing stress in a normal person.

This is almost exactly like my freshman year, in January, when I was just completely and utterly miserable. The anxiety is there, the dread, the not having any idea how to go about fixing it. And I just keep hating myself more everyday because I know that this is absolutely and completely my own fault. I wonder why I did this to myself. Clearly I didn't know what I was getting into. My apartment is far worse than I would have imagined. And being a minimalist for the most part, I pretty much assumed I could handle anything they through at me, that I could live anywhere. But it simply didn't occur to me that it would take such a heavy toll on my mental and emotional state.

I know this isn't that bad. Trust me. I KNOW. In fact, last night, I was out... and could have stayed out later than I did. And spent time with people that made me feel comfortable. And talked on the phone. And talked to my roommate. This, after a full day of work where I made like $75.

I really think it's the space. I can't be okay in my own skin because I hate the space I'm living in. It just irks me. ugh. yuck. I don't have a nice refuge to go to. I can't look forward to going home and relaxing because "home" is awful.

I feel so disconnected. So uneasy. So alone. So blaaah.