you probably shouldn't even bother :-P
Thursday, Jul. 24, 2003 16:15

rar. Why do I suddenly feel very very nervous? Like my leg is twitching, gotta go to the bathroom, tension in my chest, anxious nervous. I think it's that I don't like not knowing that's going on? When I don't have everything I need right there in the palm of my hand, I start to get jittery and tense and I wonder when things are going to creep up on me and where I'm going to find myself. Like I can't just believe that something's gonna catch me when I jump... I have to be able to see it as I'm falling, put my arms out to catch myself, and be covered in inches of foam padding.

I don't know where I'm working this fall yet. I wish I was going to be in classes. I'm dumb. I should have just left my financial aid package the way it was and gone around bribing professors to let me into classes. I could have done that. I didn't even consider it. But then again, if I had done that, I might not be able to get into Smith... and I want to leave that option open. They wouldn't want me if I had another semester under my belt. Maybe they won't even want me now. It's something I have to play with a little bit. Once again, it sucks going to a weird warped little school. or big school.

I'm not sure what I am doing this weekend yet. *sigh* I hope I find out tonight. If not, then tomorrow... if not, then, well, I will stop waiting and make my own weekend plans. I want to see "How to Deal" and "Tomb Raider" (because I feel like seeing the hottness that is Angelina)... but I'd rather see them with someone... I'd love to take Serena to see "Tomb Raider" actually... but I wonder if she will have seen it by the time I make it home again. I was thinking of going home next weekend, but if I don't it will afford me some Jeffy time. Plus there was some brief talk of Lauren coming. I hope she does. *sigh*

Can you tell I don't usually have anyone to talk to? That's when the journaling comes out in full force. When I want to be all long-winded and narcissistic. You also notice that the time when I journaled the least was when I was given somebody's full attention. yep.

I'm listening to Melissa Ferrick. I think I wanna go see her Sunday. I know someone with tickets. I think I might just bite the bullet and go. Oh man. She's too amazing to pass up, really. Wouldn't you say? heh. We'll see if it works out. We shall see. hmmm. I've never done that kind of thing alone. SO it's the aloneness that is making me question it. Because if I can't go with the person I know... then... I dunno... hmmmmmmm.

It's funny... the contrast... how I'm writing this entry now... with nothing to say... Last night's entry was good, I feel. I'm pleased with it. That's the kind of entry I mean to make in here. But then fluff like this comes out. You know. But I guess it's not such a bad thing because it means there isn't too much negative emotion coming through.

Oh man though, I'm such a softy... I am totally letting tutors and students get away with whatever they want. Roberta would shoot me. hmmm *mental note... grow some balls. ehh oh well. It's not a big problem for right now.

I love how Roberta gave us like 2 things to do this week and we didn't do one of them.... ooooops. work is blah.

Another thing... my hands hurt from typing so much. hmmmm... probably NOT a good sign... :-P More reading to come... this weekend will probably mean a trip to B&N to buy a new book. yay!