always assuming the worst
Monday, Aug. 18, 2003 21:31

I was writing. I am sitting on my bed, down near my feet, on the windowsill sits a small soft purple bear. Serena gave him to me. he's so cute! I noticed that his back was all black. He sits in front of the fan. The fan blows icky stuff into the room. I had to rescue him. If I pick my computer up a certain way, it freezes. It froze. icky.

I am feeling kind of bitter. That's part of what I was writing about. The bitterness made me want to listen to dasboard...

"As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs and sit alone and wonder how you're making out..."

"This is where I say I've had enough. No one should ever feel the way that I feel now..."

"Waiting here with hopes the phone will ring..."

yep... 2... 1... 8...

"I'm throwing away the letters I am writing you"

I'm constantly thinking. Over analyzing. ugh. Things go over and over and over until I kill them. I don't know what's real anymore...

But I'm pretty happy with how I am right now. If don't accept myself and my progress and my emotions and my taking my time, then who will?

I hope I'm not lying. Sometimes it's hard to tell. I forget what's real once something has gone around my head enough times.

Everday I come to new conclusions. Usuall while I'm walking around campus. I should walk more. I feel I'd be happier. Why don't I? I will start.

Today I was trying to classify what it is that I miss. It's really a paradox... to miss the same thing that you despise. To want the same thing that you never want to experience again. To slowly pick apart the pieces and try to come up with some new combination that will work. If I could have this and not this, and become only *this* emotionally invested. If I could relive this day and that one, but not actually be there in that day. If I could feel it all again without any of the rest of it.... effortlessly... the honeymoon days.

Where did the word honeymoon come from?

"breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep"

I'm very tired.

My bitterness actually had nothing to do with any of the things I've talked about so far. It had to do with reading and seeking and jealousy. And days of fun and excitemend and contentedness followed shortly by this blah stupid crap. Then Kim invited me to watch a movie. I declined because I'm going to bed soon. But if she'd asked a little while ago. Movies are good.

Blue Crush.

It's been on my brain lately... and I remember when it came out on video... Newbury Comics... the one and only time I've watched my very own copy of it...

"The streets were wet and the gate was locked."

Yup. Just about.

"She always wears blue"

Everyday it was a new "Remember to Breathe" quote. Still a song that has a lot of meaning for me... personally... individually.

I'm sorry if you're tired of hearing me do this. Especially to you. Because I know you're there... and I know you hate it...

Look at me, even now, so terribly concerned that what I'm saying and feeling and doing here in my little world is not okay.

Why do I never feel like it's okay to just be?

I took a nap today. Laid down, fell right asleep, slept soundly for about an hour. Be proud of me. That doesn't happen very often.

Everything is such a terrible hassle. Everything. I'm racing the clock. Fighting with my body. Being ashamed of my emotion.

"There's gotta be something that would be worthwhile for me to give to you."

The weather is really nice right now.

"I want to give you whatever you need. What is it you need? Is it within me?"

No. It isn't.

Sometimes I look out and I really do feel proud of myself. Because as pathetic as I probably sound, I could be doing a whole lot worse. Sometimes I look at the people around me and think, "well, damn, I'm never going to be like that." hahaha, as if I wouldn't be if I had the chance. Rrright. I was thinking about that earlier today. About how easily this empire I'm starting to build can be broken down, and how instead of getting stronger, it's getting weaker. It's an intermediate stage. I'm getting weak because it's been so long. And yet not long enough to start to forget.

Ryan is telling me I'm cute. *sigh* oh boy. I worry about her so much.

And why has she picked me? Of everyone out there... why pick me? Doesn't she see me? I'm not good for her. I am very unfair to her.

She thinks I'm beautiful. She hates that I won't let her tell me I am. She hates that I get embarassed and deny it. I do it for many reasons.

I can't be beautiful to her. It can't be that way. I want her to see me for what I am. To her, I'm not beautiful. I am... covered in dirt.

"I'm tired of this distance. And I believe it's over. It's over..."

I live in a world of "should" and "supposed to". I'm tired. I don't understand why. So I think, no, I can't really be this tired. So I stay up until what I think to be a good time to go to bed, rather than just sleeping when my body tells me to. Same with food. Same with everything. Fuck it.

But I can't.

Fuck me.

"This distance seems terrible"

yeah. Yeah I fucking miss you...

*fighting the urge to apologize*

*collapsing further*

*going to bed*