I know it's not how it should be
Saturday, Aug. 23, 2003 11:54

I feel like I shouldn't talk about my feelings to anyone because everyone tries to tell me what to do. They talk to me like I'm stupid. And I feel very threatened. So if you are reading this, don't do it. I'd appreciate feedback, to let me know you care, if you indeed care, but please... don't tell me to "fuck her" or try to help me out. I already know.

I dreamed about her last night. It was a happy dream. Up to a point. We were sitting on a swing set. In the dream the road from Boston to Providence was just one straight road with grass and swings along the side... playgrounds, happy things. In the dream Kimi and I had gone through all this shit we're going through now, but things were better. It was kind of a long interlude. but I can remember telling her that I was mad at her for wanting/not wanting to move back to Boston ... or something? It was confusing. And she was just swinging away. I was sitting facing her, on a bench. She got off her swing and moved over to the bench and sat next to me. She looked at me and I could feel her skin against me, and I melted, as I always have with her. And she looked at me in the sweet way she used to. And she kissed me very very gently. I kissed her very gently. I love kissing that way. And she knows it. She kisses harder than I do. Naturally. But sometimes that is definitely okay. It just depends. So after we kissed, she backed up and in that awful tone that I used to fear and dread... said to me "Why do you kiss like that?"

Oh god. And that pain in my chest. Me trying to explain myself. Feeling awful. Feeling guilty. Feeling like I never do anything right. And yet still wanting to kiss her more, wanting to make it better.

And waking up with this feeling in the pit of my stomach. That feeling. Oh I hate how dreams do that. I went to bed thinking I could do it, I could stay away. I woke up needing her. Needing to find her.

Last night she imed me and said "you locked your journal." and signed off. yeah. I did. Was there a point to that? I'm sure she's angry.

*sigh*

I don't even know what to do anymore. Why is this getting harder instead of easier? Why do I miss her so much now, when earlier this summer I was so happy to be free of her finally? Why is it just all this pain and anger?

Today I will dwell on this all day if I don't find a way not to. So I will find a way not to. I cannot do this to myself, no matter how tempted I am. I cannot.

So I'll walk downtown, and I'll go to a movie.

Or something.

I wish I was in Maine.